Walter: Are you aware that tom just left the house with a grown woman?
Allison: oh uh.. she's fifteen, Walter
Walter: Was she sent from some island to protect mankind?

Gary: Are you okay?
Tom: No I'm not okay, my heart is beating so fast my tie is moving

Gary: Hey son, when are you leaving for the big dance?
Tom: As soon as cowzilla rips the roof off and plucks me out

Fine, but we are officially even. After this, I don't want to hear how my big head ruined your body

Tom [to his mom]

Allison: I have to deposit these; can you stop writing "this is a holdup" on the memo line?
Gary: Come on, it got you on the news!

Gary: What are you talking about? I put everything they had into their backpacks, what did I forget?
Allison: Their backpacks!

Allison: I got a speeding ticket on the way over here.
Gary: You got a speeding ticket? What happened, couldn't your two lady friends get you out of it?!
Allison: Gary, I'm not going to sink to that level.
Gary: Why not? They have!

Second Life, huh? That looks pretty cool. You know when I was a kid, we didn't have anything like that. No, we had outside

Gary: You didn't tell me you were double jointed. At one point I thought I had broken you.
Vanessa: I'm not double jointed, I just didn't want to complain

Hey kids throw away your books, get rid of your toothbrushes you're with Dad now.

Allison: Have you noticed that Tommy's afraid of girls?
Gary: He should be afraid of girls. They pretend to like you and then take all your stuff

Allison [about their marriage counselor]: He makes me feel young.
Gary: Of course he does, he's 80!

Gary Unmarried Quotes

Louise: Thank you dad, you restored my faith in men
Allison: What'd he do? Wear pants to go get the mail?

Ms. St James: If we're going on a date you should call me erica
Gary: But can I call you ms St James on the date cause that's kinda hot?