Lily: Wow, you're cooking?
Marshall: Yes, I am.
Lily: Awww. Are you sure that's a good idea after last time? You looked really creepy without eyebrows

Robin: I think I like your olive theory.
Ted: I think I like your new French horn.
Robin: I think I like your nose.
Ted: I think I'm in love with you

Taxi driver: Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.
Barney: The women hot there?
Taxi driver: Here's a picture of my wife.
Barney [whispering]: A simple no would've sufficed

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references

Older Ted: That, kids, is the true story of how I met your Aunt Robin.
Son: Aunt Robin?
Daughter: I thought this was how you met Mom?
Older Ted: Will you relax? I'm getting to it. Like I said, it's a long story

Ugh! I'm exhausted, it was finger-painting day at school and a five year old boy... [opens jacket to reveal a hand shaped stain on her blouse] ...got to second base with me

Lily

Robin: I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday. Some guy is attempting to make the world's biggest pancake. Guess who's covering it?
Ted: That's gonna' take a week?
Robin: Yeah, he's gonna eat it too. It's another record.

Ted: So, you're a reporter?
Robin: Sorta, I do those fluff stories at the end of the show, like... Monkey can play a ukulele. I'm hoping for some bigger stories.
Ted: Bigger... like, a Gorilla with an upright bass? Sorry, you're very pretty

Ted: She didn't even give me the signal!
Barney: What, is she gonna bat her eyes at you in morse code? [bats eyes] Ted... kiss me. No! You just kiss her!
Ted: Not if you don't get the signal!
[Barney spontaneously kisses Marshall]
Barney: Did Marshall give me the signal?
Marshall: No! [to Lily] I didn't, I swear!

Robin: My friend just got dumped, so tonight all men are "the Enemy".
Ted: If it would make your friend feel better, you can throw a drink in my face.
Robin: She would love that!

Ted: That was not the signal!
Older Ted: I asked her about it years later, and, yes, that was the signal

Son, a piece of advice, never use the words "smurf penis" on a first date

Older Ted

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 1 Quotes

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references

Narrator Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."
Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?
Barney: Oh yeeeahh, you just know she likes it dirty. Go say hi.