Barney: This is so lame.
Ted: Lame . . . or casual?
Barney: Lame.
Ted: . . . or casual?

Robin: I don't know, Ted. I mean, we barely know each other and you're looking at me with that look, and it's like-
Ted: Like what?
Robin: Like, let's fall in love, and get married, and have kids, and drive them to soccer practice.
Ted: I'm not going to force sports onto them unless they're interested

Ted [about the kid stuck in a crane machine]: Did they let him keep the purple giraffe?
Robin: Yea, they let him keep all the toys, he was in there a long time and little kids have small bladders

The girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this morning spun her around a couple of times and sent her walking. She'll never find her way back and there she is!


Marshall: Now the kid has got to get to work, and the kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me: I will not have sex with Marshall.
Ted and Lily: I will not have sex with Marshall

Barney: What does Carlos have that I don't?
Robin: A date tonight?
Lily: Ooh, stop the tape, rewind, play it again!
Robin: [makes rewind sound] A date tonight?
Barney: I'm not sure I like her

Robin: What are you doing here?
Ted: Oh, you know, uh, just shopping for, uh... dip. I love dip. Well, I don't love dip, I like dip. As a friend

Barney: Ted, let's rap. Statistics: At every New York party there is always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you see... where I'm going... with this?

Barney: So, it's over between me and... Works-with-Carlos girl.
Ted: Whoa, that was fast.
Barney: Yeah. I was trying to think, "What's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met?"
[flashback to about 5 seconds ago]
Barney: I think I'm in love with you.
Works-with-Carlos Girl: What?
[back in the present]
Barney: Thanks, bro!
Ted: Glad I could help

Random Girl: Hello, Barney.
Barney: Of course...
Random Girl: You look well. Isn't it weird they invited both of us?
Barney: Who? Who invited you, no one even knows who you are!
Random Girl: I understand, you're hurt, but... you don't have to be cruel. Carlos was right about you.
Barney: Who Is Carlos!?

Barney: Hi, have you met Ted?
Girl - Works With Carlos Girl: No.
Barney: Do you know Marshall? Lily?
Random Girl: No.
Barney: Hmm. Do you know anyone at this party?
Random Girl: I work with Carlos.
Barney: Excuse me.
Barney [to Ted, Lily, Marshall]: Anybody know a Carlos?
[they shake their heads]
Barney: On a silver platter

Robin: So, you threw all these parties for me?
Ted: No! Oh, you thought - no... okay, yes. You got me. One of the reasons I threw these parties was so I could introduce you to, um...
[Barney shoves some random guy towards Ted]
Ted: ...this guy! I figured, since it didn't work out between us, and now we can just laugh about it...
Ted: Anyways, Robin, this is...
Carlos: Carlos

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 2 Quotes

Barney: Oh, and Lily, that's my leg.
Lily: You waited five minutes to tell me that?

Lily: Look who I ran into.
Ted: Since when do you guys know each other?
Robin: Since about, here. [points to top of glass]