Don't feel bad. You're a sexual being like everyone else in the room. Except for Steve of course.


A little messy? She's a full blown hoarder!


Sorry to burst in on you Janice. I assumed if you knew I was coming over, you would have cleaned up a bit.


Hey, Jim, I'm not saying it's a good idea, but if you see any beer in there, can you bring me out a sixer?


Rodney: So, you single now?
Jim looks at Rodney.
Rodney: What!?

Jim: Why does she get a shield? I never got offered a shield. I went through more than she has. I got my head cut.
Lawyer: Jim, shut up.

I'm not a drug dealer, I'm a comedian!


Criminal: Are you trying to be funny?
Steve: No, I'm not. He's funny.
Jim: I'm really not that funny.

I'm trying on jeans now, you're holding my breakfast cereal. It's like I'm a bloody king.


Jim: She's wonderful. This might be the best relationship I've ever had.
Billy: This is not your relationship.

I think she wants to sleep with me. I don't know what to do, man. I'm freaking out!


I don't understand a word you guys are saying.


Legit Quotes

Alien. I'm an alien of extraordinary abilities, Steve. I'm like ET.


Jim: I think I'd like to have kids.
Steve: You think you'd be a good father?
Jim: I think I'd be a great father.
Steve: What about a husband?
Jim: Yeah, there's a problem.