Kids make fun of you if you get a haircut. I just gave them a full blown sex scandal.


What middle-aged guy would be interested in a young, attractive, newly legal woman? Oh that's right, all of them!


These jeans just slipped on me so perfectly, my name must be "Pantserella."


That's the whole point of a surprise party, you take somebody you really love and you play em like a fool.


Haley: You used to be fun.
Phil: You used to be....what? Oh yeah, at college.

It was the day after Thanksgiving and I came in under budget for all my Christmas gifts and you know how that gets me going.


Cam: Everyone here is 11 and I'm hot.
Mitchell: If you were hot we'd be drinking right now.

In my village if you didn't drive one of these, you couldn't call yourself a druglord


If you're hungry for broccoli later, you'll find a piece in your teeth.


Can I offer you a Pina Delgado?


Alex: Hey are you sure you don't wanna play The Hunger Games with all of us?
Haley: My whole life is a hunger game, why do you think I'm so mean to you?

We should start calling her ranch house, cause she doesn't have a second story.


Modern Family Season 4 Quotes

So what you're saying is you have a child shaped hole in your heart and you wanna stuff a cat into it.

Mitchell [to Cam]

Jay was really explicit about what he wanted to do for his 65th birthday, but luckily Phil Dunphy knows how to read between the lines.