Hey, what was all that squeaking in the garage? Are the raccoons back? Damn it!

Haley

I'm so stressed. I wish it was the '50s when it was healthy to drink and smoke when you're pregnant.

Haley

Don't break Alex, she's our safety net.

Luke

Well, there it is. I'm just glad E.T. didn't land at your house.

Cam

I've admired you for a long time and if I haven't let you know that, that's on me. And I'm cissy-gendered enough to admit it.

Jay

Let's see those little bastards complain about that. Oh!

Principal Brown

Phil: Do or do not, there is no try.
Mitch: Please don't Yoda me.

I'm totally gay.

Gil

You got rid of Henifer!

Mitch

Don't Bugs Bunny me.

Gloria

Luke: Thank you, Alexandra. It's not easy being the smart ones in this family.
Alex: Don't compare us! Your last English paper came back with a Garfield sticker on it that said, "Way to Go!"

I love it that you're smart now.

Phil

Modern Family Quotes

That's why we chose our secret warrior signal. My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn. Don't google that, by the way.

Phil

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me