McGee: Not a hacker, either.
Ziva: How do you know?
McGee: My firewall hasn't been penetrated.
Tony: Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.
(Ziva laughs)

Admiral Chase: Does Agent David carry a weapon?
Gibbs: She is a weapon.

(Gibbs walks into the squad room)
Gibbs: Come on, grab your gear. Don't wanna miss the school bus.
Tony: Class trip, boss?
Gibbs: Got a dead petty officer in a high school stairwell. Janitor found him this morning.
Tony: Hmm. (Starts singing) Wheels on the bus go...
Gibbs: (Gibbs joins in) ...round and round, round and round, round and round...

Ziva: I remember my first fight. I was eight. Shmuel Rubinstein.
Tony: Sounds like a real stud.
Ziva: One punch and it was over.
Tony: What did poor Shmuel do to deserve the wrath of Ziva?
Ziva: He said he liked me.

Doug: Stop talking to me like that.
Tony: Stop lying to me like that.

(After McGee has opened a parcel containing a blow up doll)
McGee: Erm...real funny, Tony.
Tony: (Laughs) You think I did this?
Ziva: I would not put it past you.
Tony: Guys! Come on, a little credit, please. I have grown past this kinda sophomore thing. I mean, who would do something so...genius! McGee with a plastic girlfriend! Congratulations, Tim! She's very sweet.
McGee: The receipt's got my credit card information on it. It must be some kind of mistake.
Ziva: I would cancel your credit card.
McGee: Right now, all I need to do is figure out how to deflate this thing.
Tony: Oh that's easy, there's always a button right here on the back of the neck...
(Tony realises what he has just said)...there's no reason I should know that.

One gets over a watch. You never get over a loved one.

Ziva

(Ziva, Tony and McGee are discussing Ziva's vacation with her elusive boyfriend)
McGee: So when do we get to meet him? And please tell us his name!
Tony: Oh no! Please, let me guess. Zeus? Er...Thor?
Ziva: His name is Ray.
Tony: Ray! What a nice little name! Ray, like Ray Crocker, Ray Charles, Sugar Ray...
Ziva: Erm...I promise you, Ray is a good man.
(Tony smiles at her jokingly before he realises she is being serious)

(Gibbs walks in on Tony and McGee with the blow-up doll)
Tony: Morning, Boss!
McGee: This isn't what it looks like, Boss.
Gibbs: Well, what is it, Tim?
McGee: Erm...a joke...I think. A really bad, practical joke.
Gibbs: I'm not laughing. (Gibbs turns and heads for his desk) Lose your gal-pal. (To everyone) Grab your gear. Got a dead Marine in Springfield.
(McGee tries effortlessly to hide the blow-up doll as the rest of the team head for the elevator)

Gibbs: Facebook. That's that thing that some people... do stuff with?
Ducky: The term is social networking.

Ziva: Hello, Abby.
Abby: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? How could you have doubted Tony, after everything you've been through together? You really think Tony killed Rivkin because he was jealous?! You weren't thinking. That's right, you weren't thinking. Although I supposed I can understand your initial reaction. You were at an emotional time for you, when people act rashly. But to tell Gibbs that you didn't trust Tony?! Which again, I can understand, I mean, he did just shoot your boyfriend... in your living room... to death. Alright, I'll give you that.

McGee: It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!
Tony: Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you, after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.
McGee: What's your point?
Tony: My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages evidently about some kind of case file?
McGee: Yeah, one that I needed you to sign.
Tony: Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me. (McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)

NCIS Quotes

Gibbs: Tobias? What the hell’s going on?
Fornell: What’s going on? You got me fired!

I'm more of a Super-Mario guy, myself.

Captain Wescott