Schmidt: Have you ever dated two women at once?
Rabbi: What are you talking about? I went to camp. They used to call me the octopus.

• Permalink: Have you ever dated two women at once? What are you talking ab...
• Added: October 15, 2013

Are we ever gonna get to the point where you stop working on me? Or instead of changing me, maybe once Jess, see it my way.

Nick

• Permalink: Are we ever gonna get to the point where you stop working on me?...
• Added: October 15, 2013

It's not a perfect system Jess, but it's mine ok? And it's private.

Nick

• Permalink: It's not a perfect system Jess, but it's mine ok? And it's priva...
• Added: October 15, 2013

Tzatziki is what it's called. It's Jewish charity.

Nick

• Permalink: Tzatziki is what it's called. It's Jewish charity.
• Added: October 15, 2013

My boyfriend doesn't believe in banks. It's early in the relationship. I'm still shaving above the knee. Know what I mean?

Jess

• Permalink: My boyfriend doesn't believe in banks. It's early in the relatio...
• Added: October 15, 2013

I'm a hero Nick, just tell me I'm a good man. I really need to hear it.

Schmidt

• Permalink: I'm a hero Nick, just tell me I'm a good man. I really need to h...
• Added: October 15, 2013

What is money anyway? It's just paper that some king on a mountain said was worth something. Gold I understand, it's shiny. You can make jewelry out of it.

Nick

• Permalink: What is money anyway? It's just paper that some king on a mounta...
• Added: October 15, 2013

So yeah, I was dating them both at the same time. I'm a mess, I can't sleep, I urinate constantly. I cried the other day listening to a techno song. My tweets have been extremely literal.

Schmidt

• Permalink: So yeah, I was dating them both at the same time. I'm a mess, I ...
• Added: October 15, 2013

A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls.

Nick

• Permalink: A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls.
• Added: October 15, 2013

Oh my God. It is a hand...full of dollar bills y'all!

Jess

• Permalink: Oh my God. It is a hand...full of dollar bills y'all!
• Added: October 15, 2013

Nick: It's Schmidt we're talking about here. After we saw the movie "Titanic," he started the Billy Zane Fan Club.
Jess: What?!
Nick: Look it up. They're called Zane-iacs.

• Permalink: It's Schmidt we're talking about here. After we saw the movie Ti...
• Added: October 08, 2013

Enjoy the break-up. If you need me, I'll be in my room, listening to some mainstream hip-hop.

Schmidt

• Permalink: Enjoy the break-up. If you need me, I'll be in my room, listenin...
• Added: October 08, 2013