Most meth-heads I know don't coach little league soccer.


I can prosecute this from my Lay-Z-Boy.


Stephanie: Speaking of friends with boundary issues.
Jim: Hello, George.

Holy frack!


If we had kids do you think they would have superpowers? Because the terrible twos would be terribler with telekinesis.


Stephanie: I'm gonna throw you and engagement party. It's what Batman would do for Robin.
Katie: Stephanie, you're the best. Though I'm pretty sure Robin is a confirmed bachelor, if you know what I mean.

I think it was Professor Plum with the lead pipe in the library.


If I have to choose a 'ship' right now, it's not a friendship or a relationship. It's a scholarship.


Jim: These are gateway crimes.
George: Gateway to what? Loitering?

Sometimes I wish you had been given super hearing instead of super strength. Then maybe you'd listen to me.


At the risk of being overly allegorical, with or without your powers, you make my cardiac organ levitate.


I don't know why I thought you could turn me into something I've never been. Normal.


No Ordinary Family Quotes

Stephanie: Who are you texting now?
Daphne: God.

I don't know why you guys can't go without me and just photo shop me in.