Piper: You know what? I really love your beard.
Piscatella: I've had a beard since tenth grade. Two beards, actually. The one on my face, and the one I took to junior prom. Yeah. I like dudes. I will never find you adorable. Keep that in mind.

Typical corporate Charlie Foxtrot. This is why I don't wear a suit. This, and my quads are too big.


Dixon: Oh, I see. You're gonna dip your "Donut" in Ramos here. Some people like their breakfast sweet, not savory.
Maritza: You know what gets me so hot? Is when guys compare me to breakfast, and when they talk about me like I'm not even here. How about you call me "that oatmeal in the front seat" and I'll be so yours?

One year, we got these little toy jail cells to put your candy in when you're on a diet. And then...yeah, another year, we got these Nerf-style guard batons. And so, anytime anyone said something stupid at a staff meeting, we would just whale on them. Until the incident with Greg's eye, but...


One time, I ran outta tampons, so I used on of those, um, dinosaur just-add-water sponges for kids. It was really fun! 'Cause it was like, "Ooh, I wonder what this will be? Oh! Brontosaurus Rex!"


Caputo: Ms. King has asked me to remove you as her counselor.
Healy: What? That's ridiculous.
Caputo: She says you make her uncomfortable and that you have power issues.
Healy: That's how women talk.

Coates: You think I raped you?
Doggett: Yeah. I mean, what else do you call that?
Coates: But I love you. I told you that. And I said it when...when...I said it.
Doggett: So?
Coates: So, that makes it different.
Doggett: But that didn't feel any different.

Red: Poison is beneath you, Frieda. It's for witches and bored housewives, not badass biker chicks with octopus tattoos.
Frieda: What can I say? I'm gettin' old.

Frieda: I slept on it like you said, took a nice cold shower, did some of those breathing exercises.
Alex: And?
Frieda: I still think we should kill her.

What the f*ck about me other than the color of my skin would indicate that I'm some indigent hood rat?


Taystee: Man, if George R.R. Martin wrote about prisons, I'd be, like...the Hand of the Warden.
Poussey: Yo, don't the Hand always die in them books?

Crazy Eyes: It's not fair. It's the most unfair thing that's happened in this prison.
Soso: Mmm, what about when Carson when to SHU for sneezing too loud?
Black Cindy: Or what's-her-face, the Puerto Rican girl, with the gimpy eye? And when she got the wrong meds by accident in the med line and went nutso, and gimped her other eye with a spork. Now she double gimp-eyed.
Poussey: Or how 'bout when Pornstache used to make the meth heads blow him for drugs in the mop closet?