Hailey: I'm sorry. I don't drink.
Ernestine: What kind of ho is you?

I'm going to put a cap in your monkey ass.

Mayor [to Andre]

Hailey: $200,000.
Ernestine: Oh, Lahd! That's more than my coochee's worth.

Montavious: She ran out on me like a thief in the night.
Mercedes: Don't hate her for loving her child more than you. Because mothers are built that way.

It looks like you're getting white and brown liquor tonight. Careful of the mix though. Sometimes it can make a nigger sick.

Mercedes [to Montavious]

Hailey: I'm not your wife.
Montavious: You could have been. You should have been.
Hailey: The only thing you're married to is that fuckin' gang of yours.

Look what the riffraff done bringeth to the clubbeth.

Uncle Clifford [to Big L]

Big L: Diamond, ain't nothing poppin' off tonight with you at the door.
Diamond: Better not be. It smells like rain.

Hailey: They always under-estimate how smart the pretty girls are.
Montavious: Yeah. You pretty-ass bitches can get away with murder.
Hailey: Almost.

Autumn: I shot you.
Montavious: Not well enough.

It's be a cold day in Hell before Keyshawn leaves me so stay in your line, trailer park.

Derek [to Gidget]

Gidget: I just don't understand why [Keyshawn] won't just leave.
Autumn: Because that's when they're most likely to kill you.
Gidget: It sounds like something you know personally.

P-Valley Quotes

Mississippi: First day back off maternity leave and I've got another fuckin' scar.
Gidget: Hair can cover that one, but the floss can't cover the other ones.

And here I thought strippin' was a recession-proof industry.