Sam: You're supposed to say, you know, "Oh, Sam, sweetie, you can stay here as long as you want", and -and -and, then we eat cookies.
Andrea:Well, Sam, you're making me feel like a bad friend.
Sam: Well you're being a bad friend!

(on phone ordering food) Actually, uh, can you just bring me a bunch of stuff and stand next to me to see if I die?

I'm very hungry, but I keep starting fires.

Regina: Remember when you wanted a trampoline until you hit your head on a beehive?
Samantha: Why would you put a trampoline underneath a beehive?
Regina: To stop you from jumping too high!

Todd: What are you doing? Don't you know you're not supposed to put metal in the microwave?
Samantha: Well I do now! I think that something that important they'd got it written on there or something.

Sam: Is it our song?
Todd: No. We, we didn't have a song. Every time I suggested one, you laughed at me and asked me if I was on my period.

I can't believe you, Andrea. How could you not tell about this? I mean, you call me at midnight to tell me to get my eyebrows waxed, but my restraining order just, like, slips your mind?!

Speed it up, old man! I'm driving a piece of crap, what's your excuse?!

Dena

Sam: There is not an amnesia strong enough to erase the memory of last week's Tai Chi exercises.
Regina: I told you, I thought it was supposed to be done naked. How long do I have to keep apologizing?

Samantha: Okay, first of all, I'm not dating Todd, and second of all, I'm not chasing him, I just tracked him down to tell him, that I'm not stalking him.
Regina: I'm never getting grand kids, am I?

Frank: And... how are you today?
Samantha: How am I? I'm virgin, that's how I am!
Frank: Yes madam... and I'm a pirate! Shall I call you a cab?

Andrea: Listen to me, listen to me. You are ready for this. You look fabulous, the pond is deep, the fish are biting!
Dena (suddenly appearing): Well, hello!
Andrea: But then a boat motors through...

Samantha Who? Quotes

Sam: Couple of good things about being in a coma: no fattening food, lots of rest, they sponge you down every day. It's like a spa. Bad things: my nose itches, I have something called the "Pina Colada Song" stuck in my head, and, oh yeah, sometimes I can hear what people in my room are saying.

Sam: Good things about amnesia: all new clothes, no re-runs. Bad: every minute is like that dream where you haven't been to class all year, and the test is now.