Scrubs Season 5 Episode 19: "His Story III" Quotes
Nurse walks into patients room
Nurse: Knock Knock!
Janitor's Narration: Who's there? Nurse Mop-head! Nurse Mop-head who?...You have a Mop-head!
Janitor's narration: Quick, help him up, so he thinks there's hope for our relationship yet. (Helps J.D. get up and narration is transferred back to J.D.)
J.D.'s narration: Even though I had just spent the day locked in a water tower courtesy of the Janitor, as he helped me up, I couldn't help thinking that there was hope for our relationship yet.
This is easy. It's like drowning someone.
Janitor
(JD doing a video for his mother)
J.D.: Dr. Cox, do you have anything you'd like to say to my mom?
Dr. Cox: No, but I have something I'd like to say to her uterus, because it brought you into this world.
(Shakes the camera)
Dr. Cox: Bad uterus! Don't do that anymore!
Carla: You're wasting your time. You know how interns stick together. They're never going to rat each other out.
Elliot: What you're forgetting, Carla, is that I am sleeping with one of those interns. Now, seeing as I've already gotten Keith to pee sitting down, so that there's absolutely no chance of seat splatter, I'm betting that I'm probably going to be able to get him to talk.
Carla: Keith, you'd better not tell her who did it.
Keith: But Elliot scares me.
Carla: Elliot is a blonde, 108 pound skipole from a cul-de-sac in Connecticut. I am an underpaid, pregnant nurse from the block who, over the next six months, will get fatter and angrier. Now, who are you really afraid of?
Turk: I know I'm black. I'm reminded of it all the time. A patient doesn't want a black doctor, people think that I know the score to every NBA game and I told you what happened last week when the new board member meet the surgical staff.
Board member: (White surgeon #1) Nice to meet you. (White surgeon #2) Nice to meet you. (White surgeon #3) Nice to meet you. (To Turk) Ey was sup dog!
Mr. McNair's Computer: Why does he call you a girl's name?
J.D.: Thank you for asking Mr. McNair. You see the thing about Dr. Cox is that the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away. So when he calls me Eva he is actually saying "J.D., I care about you". Vulnerable people like Dr. Cox-
Mr. McNair's Computer: Oh my God! I get it now, Carol! Carol! Carol! Carol!
J.D.: Now you are being a jerk. Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Dr. Cox: Newbie! I'm relatively certain that the computer is broken.
J.D.: Oh, my bad.
Drill-Fork! You can drill and fork! Mostly fork.
Janitor
Turk: Secondly, if Junior gets scared, he can always climb in the bed with us. That is what I did with my mom.
Carla: What do you mean, "did"? J.D., last Christmas, I walked in on Turk and his mom cuddling together in bed.
J.D.'s narration: Turk gets defensive when it comes to his mother.
Turk: I think you are just jealous because you're mother is dead!
J.D.: Whoa! We should probably take a break.
Dr. Kelso: Hey! Thanks to your little "telling me the wrong time prank" I was 45 minutes late for my oriental massage which meant that instead of Pang Wa I had to settle with Ching Yao.
Janitor: So?
Dr. Kelso: Ching Yao is a DUDE!
Keith: Elliot, I'm not going to tell you who messed up with Mrs. Bess.
Elliot: No problem. I just wanted to have a cup of coffee... Oh and introduce you to my mom.
Lilly: "Mom", that makes me sound so old! I had C-section with all my kids so everything is as it was down there.
