Elliot: Dr. Cox, you're a waxer?!
Dr. Cox: Hark! It is the high-pitched wobble of the Nosey Nelly. You don't see many of those flitting around these halls anymore because, quite frankly, when one does, one shoots to kill. Now bar-bie, Jordan is here for her ultrasound today and I'm going to be holding her claw the entire time so, what you've just done is essentially volunteered to do all of your work and all of mine. And if you'll step right this way I be more than glad to tell you more about you've won.

Dr. Cox: Alrighty there doctor leverage 'cause here's the real inside scoop. I could literally sculpt a gigantic Mr. Burnett after what I just removed from Mr. Burnett. So I really think its in your best interest for you to start talking. Should I get the child a baseball glove or a tutu?
Elliot: Well, girls can play baseball too.

Jordan, be reasonable. If you're incubating some kind of man-bat in there, we should find out about it as soon as possible - there are vaccinations to consider.

Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: No offense, sport. Don't think I have anything against ugly people.
J.D.: Why would I take offense to that?
Dr. Kelso: No reason.

Dr. Kelso: There he is!
Dr. Townshend: Missed you on our morning jog, Bobby. What is that now, about two hundred days in a row?
Dr. Kelso: You're a pistol!
J.D.: The only place this guy's running to is to a bakery! Who's got me up high?
Dr. Kelso: Ehhh.
Dr. Townshend: Uh, mistake you made there, J.D.: You didn't pat his belly - it soothes him.
J.D.: Ahhh. Dammit.

Carla: It's so beautiful.
Turk: Yeah, well, you know, I woulda showed it to you before you left, but, uh... I couldn't get to it. And that is a long story.
Carla: I want to thank you for not pressuring me. I mean, don't get me wrong, you left me like forty messages in five days; but... I know you - if you weren't holding back, it woulda been like a hundred and forty.
Turk: I do love the speed dial!

J.D.: I still can't believe I power-walked 'butt-naked' through the halls of the hospital last night.
Turk: My man, I know that wasn't you.
J.D.: How?
Turk: I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff-'n'-stuff out of a line-up.
J.D.: Oh, it changed since you saw it - it got a haircut.
Turk: Yeah.

J.D.: That was good, Kevin! We should-we should make him, like, make dinner for us tonight. He could be our own personal slave!
Kevin: Our own personal what, now?
J.D.: Oh, no, I don-I don't mean like that kind of slave.
Kevin: Well, how 'bout this: How 'bout he be the house slave, and I be the field slave. That sound like fun to you?
J.D.: That-that wouldn't be fun...
Turk: What's going on?
Kevin: I forgot how much fun it was messing with Alfalfa!

Dr. Cox: No, honey, the reason we're late is that you took forever to get ready. That's what happens when you're vain!
Jordan: Whatever you say, Mr. Yesterday I Had Chest-hair, Today I Suddenly Don't.

J.D.'s Narration: What Carla didn't know was that Turk was using his brother as a selling point. Because no one said "family" more than Kevin Turk.
Turk: Baby.
Carla: Yeah?
Turk: Check out my bother's kids.
Carla: Awwwwww... They're adorable!
Turk: How's that great marriage of yours, man?
Kevin: Over.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, no.
Turk: Say what?
Kevin: I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get the hell out of there!
Carla: Get the hell out of there?
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, my God! Do something to change the subject! Anything!
J.D.: Everybody! Soda chugging contest!

Jordan: Tell you what, we'll compromise. I'll decide this, and you get to decide...um... Sorry, I got nothing.
Dr. Gerson: Look, it's common for each parent to feel differently.
Dr. Cox: Actually, I am not the father; he's a bell-boy in Greece.
Jordan: We think.

Kevin: So, look, Chris, I got a meeting this afternoon... but what do you say tonight, me and you tear it up like we used to!
Turk: I gotta work.
Kevin: Well, get somebody to cover for your ass, man! I'm only here for the weekend!
Turk: Look, I just asked Carla to marry me, and you were in there acting like a jerk.
Kevin: Oh, man! You-you-you're engaged!? Congratulations!
Turk: She hasn't exactly said yes yet.
Kevin: Well, that-that-that-that's all right. Sometimes a lady just needs to sleep on it.
Turk: I asked her a week ago.
Kevin: Damn!

Scrubs Season 2 Episode 14 Quotes

Turk: So, you wanna talk about what happened?
Kevin: Nah, man, look, it's-it's just too depressing.
Turk: Kevin, you're in a bad place right now, but you're gonna get through it. You just gotta give it time.
Kevin: Yeah, well what am I supposed to do until then?
Turk: Barkeep, I'm gonna need these two glasses, and that bottle of whisky. 'Scuse me, yes, my brother definitely needs to borrow your hat. And for the love of all that is holy! Will somebody please put on some country!

Jordan: We are a horrible couple.
Dr. Cox: You couldn't be more wrong. Because, even though that isn't my kid in there, I still want to feel connected. And I just thought I'd be more hooked in if I knew.
Jordan: It's funny. Every time I think you're the same old sharp-edged jack-ass, you turn around and do something to remind me that you're such a pansy.