Scrubs Season 5 Episode 5: "My New God" Quotes
J.D.'s Narration: I figured out why I'm so great at managing relationships... I don't rub things in people's faces...
Dr. Cox: I thought you might like to know that your husband's chest x-ray looks better. He is finally starting to improve.
Mrs. Donnelly: Thank you so much.
Dr. Cox: I was really just doing my job-
Mrs. Donnelly: Oh, I'm... talking to Paige. She was up all night praying with us.
J.D.: Long story short, after confirming it with my bunk-mates, that counselor and his "friendship lotion" were transferred out of our cabin and we never spoke about it again.
Janitor: Well, "what doesn't kill ya..."
J.D.'s Narration: We're as thick as two thieves in a pod!
Carla: I paged you an hour ago!
Turk: I was in surgery.
Carla: Is that doughnut glaze on your cheek?
Turk: Guess we're not having sex, huh?
Carla: Oh, ho, ho, no. We're having sex. Get in there.
Turk: Wait, baby... I'm too full.
Carla: Now, Turk.
Turk: Man!
J.D.'s Narration: I hope I can find a way to connect with him.
(J.D. catches an urn before it falls to the floor)
Janitor: Thanks for saving that - that's one of my favorite pieces.
J.D.: You're welcome, friend!
Turk: Aw, dammit, I gotta go have ovulation sex again.
J.D.: Are you actually complaining about getting to have sex? Because that is so insensitive, Turk!
Turk: J.D.!
J.D.: Let me feel my feelings, Turk! We worked on this!
Turk: I've really gotta stop doing that!
Gotta find an improv class that doesn't meet in the back of a pie shop.
J.D.
Oh, hey fellas? I'm trying to give somebody evil eye over there. Would you mind breaking it up so I can...? You understand. Thanks, fellas. Very nice of you. I appreciate it! Thank you.
Janitor
Carla: Turk, we're making a baby. Let's get down to business.
Turk: Honey, I need to feel the heat! I need at least thirty minutes of foreplay - then, and only then, can I be fully ready... to make love to you.
Carla: Tyra Banks.
Turk: Uhhn.
Carla: There. You're ready.
Dr. Cox: I'm honestly not sure which one of you I find more hhhirritating.
J.D.: What does he find "he-h-irritating" about you?
Janitor: Hey. Help me move this weekend.
J.D.'s Narration: We scoff. And we walk away.
J.D.'s Narration: And, finally, Dr. Kelso's 9 A.M. wrong shoulder tap.
(J.D. taps Dr. Kelso on the opposite shoulder as he walks past.)
Dr. Kelso: Dammit! Every morning, tapping - no one's ever there!
Dr. Cox: You know what, there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. Now take Jack; Jordan'll kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you - you're exactly one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.
J.D.: No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy, it's I need to stop trying to fix people's relationships.
Janitor: You're welcome.
