Favorite Seinfeld Quotes
George: Students can't clean. It's anathema. (explaining) They don't like it.
Jerry: How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?
Jerry: How do you get all that wood in here?
Elaine: They deliver it.
Jerry: They deliver wood?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: What da ya tip a "wood guy"?
I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go, "Excuse me; I'm not in right now. If you would just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone "You can't talk to me like that!" (Jerry searches for the 'off' button on his mimed phone, and presses it feebly, in a comedic sort of way) "I told him!"
Jerry
Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier!
A wedding!? Have you lost it, man?
Elaine
You know, I've been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place.
Jerry
Monica: Where did you get the coffee?George: Where did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, from the grocery store.Monica: How did you get there?George: I walked.Monica: How did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave.George: I climbed out the window.Monica: You climbed out the window?George: Of course.Monica: Why didn't you go out the door?George: The door? Why would I go out the door? The window is right here.Monica: You are a fascinating man, George Costanza.
George: Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Can't I do it over the phone? I have no stomach for these things.
Jerry: You should just do it like a band-aid: one motion, right off!
Jerry: What you're suggesting is illegal.
Kramer: It's not illegal!
Jerry: It's against the law.
Kramer: Well, yeah.
George: You can't have people shoving their arms into a 600 degree oven.
Kramer: It's all supervised!
I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I I I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.
Jerry
Elaine: (on boys giving wedgies, etc.) Boys are sick.
Jerry: What do girls do?
Elaine: We just tease someone 'til they develop an eating disorder!
