Mr. Garrison: Yeah, I tell you, boys... Women can kill, poontang's expensive; that's why when it comes to chicks, I just screw them and leave em. I say "Get out my bedroom, poontang, before you suck my life dry!".
Stan: Thanks, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Sure, kids.
(The boys leave the classroom.)
Mr. Garrison: (as Mr. Hat) Your not fooling anyone. (normal voice) Shut your hole, Mr. Hat!

Stan: Wait, you guys. Maybe... is it possible... that we're just jealous because Chef is our friend, and now he's paying attention to somebody new?
Kyle: Yeah, so?
Stan: Yeah, screw that bitch.
Cartman: Bitch, I hate that bitch!

Stan: She killed Kenny!
Kyle: You Bastard!

Chef's Dad: You crackers want to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?
Stan: Nah, that's okay.
Chef's Dad: Oh, it must have been about 7, 8 years ago... Me and the little lady were on this boat, you see... All alone at night when all of a sudden, a huge creature, a giant crustacean from the Paleozoic era, comes out of the water!
Chef's Mom: We were so scared, lord-have-mercy. I jumped up in the boat and said "Thomas! What on earth is that creature?!".
Chef's Dad: It stood above us looking down with its big red eyes...
Chef's Mom: Oh, it was scary.
Chef's Dad: And I stood up and yelled "What do you want from us, monster?!", and he bent down and said "I need to borrow treefiddy...".
Kyle: What's "treefiddy"?
Chef's Dad: Three dollars and fifty cents.

Chef's Mom: Oh, Lord he was angry.
Chef's Dad: Damn right I was angry...
Chef's Mom: No, not you, the monster; he was about to kick yo' ass.

Eye doctor: Alright, let's get down to business, shall we?
Cartman: Gee, that's nice, my mom didn't pay you to be a comedian!

(to Eye Doctor) If you call me piggy one more time, I am going to seriously rip your god damn nuts off with my bare hands!


That bitch, she's stealing Chef from us.


Chefs love song:
Sometimes you fall in love!
And you think you'll feel that way forever!
You change your life and ignore your friends cause you think it can't get any better!
But then love goes away, no matter what it doesn't stay as strong!
And then your left with nothin cause your thinking with your dong!
So watch out for that lover! It can destroy like a typhoon wind!
Just play it cool and don't be a fool!
Mr.Garrison: And never let poontang come between you and your friend!
Chef: Damn Right Garrison!

Okay, time to laser the little piggy.

Eye Doctor

But mom, I have to tell Chef that he's marrying a succubus!


Dammit, monster, I ain't givin you no treefiddy.

Chef's Father

South Park Season 3 Episode 3 Quotes

Stan: We can't fall asleep. We gotta nail that song. You got the tape recorder, Cartman? Cartman?? (taps him)
Kyle: He's asleep. Wake up fat ass!
Cartman: What what what?
Stan: Goddamnit! You can't fall asleep.
Cartman: I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking really hard!

Cartman: Hey dudes.
(Kyle, Stan and Kenny laugh)
Cartman: (Sarcastically) Heheheh, look at Cartman and his stupid glasses. Heheheh.
Kyle: Dude, just take them off.
Cartman: I can't, they're stapled to my head.
(Kyle, Stan and Kenny laugh again)
Cartman: I hate you guys.