South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralSouth Park Season 1 Episode 11: "Tom's Rhinoplasty" Quotes
Ms. Ellen: Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables. (Cartman raises his hand) Cartman?
Cartman: What's a multiplication table?
Ms. Ellen: Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication? (the class stares back) Well, where did he leave off?
Cartman: We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth is going out with that Richard Greco guy that used to be on 21 Jump Street but then he got his own show for just a little while.
Chef: Hello there, children! What's all this I hear about a new teacher?
Kyle: Ms. Ellen, dude; she's beautiful!
Chef: Is she like, uh, Vanessa Williams beautiful or Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? Or is she Erin Grey in the second season of "Buck Rogers" beautiful?
Stan: Yeah, that one!
Chef: (impressed) Wooof! I've got to meet this woman!
Principal Victoria: Children, I have some difficult news for you. Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for awhile, he's going to have surgery (class cheers) so you're going to have a substitute teacher, and I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison. (Kyle raises hand)...Yes little boy?
Kyle: We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison.
Wendy: Stan? We're still Valentines, right?
Stan: Sure, Wendy, whatever.
Kyle: Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's Day presents.
Stan: Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight!
Cartman: I'm gonna buy a vacuum cleaner. Chicks like vacuum cleaners.
Tom: All righty then. Now I must warn you, Mr. Garrison, that there are risks. You could wind up a hideous, foul shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly ugly that you're forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at nighttime for scraps of food.
Mr. Garrison: I can live with that.
Wendy: Ms.Ellen, can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen: Of course Wendy.
Wendy: I can't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend Stan.
Ms. Ellen: Well I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...
Wendy: Can I tell you something Ms. Ellen?
Ms. Ellen: Of course Wendy.
Wendy: Don't f*** with me!
Ms. Ellen: (surprised) What?
Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whoop your sorry little ass back to last year! (gets off the seat & walks away) Bye, Ms. Ellen.
Wendy: Stan, you know Valentine's Day is coming up.
Stan: Yeah, I know.
Wendy: I was thinking maybe we could go on a cruise.
Stan: Dude, I can't afford a cruise!
Wendy: I know. We could sit in a box in your back yard, and pretend it's a cruise.
Cartman: (Laughs hysterically) That's so lame!
Wendy: Then maybe we can dress up in costumes, like we're getting married.
Cartman: (Laughs) Stop it! You're killing me over here!
Stan: I can't wait to show Miss Ellen what a raging lesbian I am!
Cartman: I'm a bigger lesbian then you!
Stan: You're a fatter lesbian then me!
Kyle: Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!
