Oh God. What is it? Smells like bouquet of horse penises.

Kevin

• Permalink: Oh God. What is it? Smells like bouquet of horse penises.
• Added: November 15, 2017

Evie: So Aiden Braiden is feeding off of your affection. That means it sees Kevin as a threat to its food source.
Stan: Sounds like your normal asshole baby to me.

• Permalink: Sounds like your normal asshole baby to me.
• Added: November 15, 2017

Honey, honey, to be clear, we're not saying Kevin is a bad guy. He only kicked the shit out of himself and blamed it on a baby. Hell, for all we know, he's a true romantic at heart like that Fatty Arbuckle or that Sid and Nancy.

• Permalink: Honey, honey, to be clear, we're not saying Kevin is a bad guy. He only kicked the shit out...
• Added: November 15, 2017

Stan: I went ahead and got you some lunch.
Denise: Two beers??
Stan: Yeah. That's what I had for lunch.

• Permalink: Yeah. That's what I had for lunch.
• Added: November 15, 2017

Leon: Evie! If I went and got some onion rings, would you want some?
Evie: Aha. Once we identify this handprint, we'll have our killer.
Leon: EVIE! Onion rings?

• Permalink: EVIE! Onion rings?
• Added: November 15, 2017

Evie: Oh! They found a long gray hair on the leather jacket and guess what was on the end of that!
Leon: Saltwater taffy.
Evie: What?
Leon: Paper clips.
Evie: No!
Leon: Chewing tobacco.
Evie: Why am I letting you guess?
Leon: Motor oil.
Evie: No. Neurotic flesh, like from a dead person.
Leon: Oh, so we're looking for a dead person who pushes people off of rooves and may or may not work at Jiffy Lube...

• Permalink: Oh, so we're looking for a dead person who pushes people off of rooves and may or may not...
• Added: November 15, 2017

I just killed a guy! We were fighting, and he had a heart attack. He kicked my ass to death!

Leon

• Permalink: I just killed a guy! We were fighting, and he had a heart attack. He kicked my ass to death!
• Added: November 15, 2017

Evie: Stan, I think I may have killed someone.
Stan: You had me at 'killed.'
Evie: I had a dream...
Stan: Oh, you ruined it!

• Permalink: Oh, you ruined it!
• Added: November 15, 2017

Shop owner: This stone symbolizes the life long entwining of soulmates.
Evie: Haha! I'm very bitter.

• Permalink: Haha! I'm very bitter.
• Added: November 15, 2017

Stan: Exactly what is going on here?
Kenny: Just havin' a little me time. Things did not go well with Eve today. She just [begins crying]...she rejected me again.
Stan: Because you're gay?
Ken [still crying]: I'm not gay.
Stan: You're cryin' aren't ya?
Kenny [still crying]: You're right. I'm a baby. I'm a big, gay baby. Change my diaper.
Stan: Kenny, if these quarters are too cramped for ya, you are more than welcome to go live in the yard.

• Permalink: Kenny, if these quarters are too cramped for ya, you are more than welcome to go live in the...
• Added: November 07, 2017

Huckster: You know, I have an idea for a sparking wager.
Stan: Oh christ. I'll crawl right back into the goddamned hole.

• Permalink: Oh christ. I'll crawl right back into the goddamned hole.
• Added: November 07, 2017

Evie: It's girls' night. Denise and I are going to watch the season finale of The Fiance.
Stan: That's how you know marriage is sacred. They give it away as a prize on a game show.

• Permalink: That's how you know marriage is sacred. They give it away as a prize on a game show.
• Added: November 07, 2017