Stan: Denise!! I think the bathtub is leaking.
Denise: That's weird. So is my waterbed!
Stan: Sweetheart, you don't have a waterbed.
Denise: I do now! I took my bean bag chair and emptied it, then I took the hose...[the doorbell rings]
Stan: Answer the door. Then step outside and lock it, and everything will be great.

Oh, Evie, I was supposed to kill you, but I couldn't. Thank you for the carrots.

Russell

The only person who's allowed to walk through that front door without knocking is Fonzie, and you are damned sure not Fonzie.

Evie: Hello?
Leon: It's Leon. There's been a murder. And someone tells me the thread count of these sheets is six, six, six.

Leon: The new sheriff is not a woman.
Stan: Well, we got that goin' for us. For a second I thought we were livin' in Europe!

Evie or my daughter. You can't have both. Bwah hahaha haha ha ha ha.

Thadeus

Lara: This is a wraith. The ancients declared them invincible.
Stan: Well, the ancients didn't have the same shovel technology available to us now.

Stan: Keep talking. My legs are just starting to get warm. DENISE!
Denise: I'm right here.
Stan: There's a deer on the wall.
Stan: He's always been there. That's Gunther!

I was married for more than half my life, and you think this is the only mystery I ever had to deal with? What about the hair curlers? Huh? Nobody uses them, yet they're under every single sink. One time I threw some away, and the next morning they were right back there just starin' up at me. What, did it breed? And those brown hairpins. I got one in my foot right now! MY WIFE WAS NOT A WITCH!

Stan: Alright. You two come with me. Statler and Waldorf? Go get some ice cream.
Cliff: I could go for some ice cream.
Witch: I'm lactose intolerant, and you know that.

Thadeus: Evelyn Barret. Unholy viper!
Evie: I am not the viper. YOU are!

Stan Against Evil Quotes

Leon: The new sheriff is not a woman.
Stan: Well, we got that goin' for us. For a second I thought we were livin' in Europe!

Thadeus: Evelyn Barret. Unholy viper!
Evie: I am not the viper. YOU are!