The Leftovers Season 3 Episode 6: "Certified" Quotes
Senior: I hear you were with the good Reverand Jamison. He coming to?
Laurie [shakes her head]: No. He gave me something for you, though. He says he's sorry he didn't put you in his fucking book.
Senior: Who torched it?
Laurie: Your son. Is he here?
Senior: Right now, he's off having himself a think.
Laurie: About what?
Senior: We asked him to die. Again.
Whatever is happening here? I want to be a part of it.
Laurie
Matt: They don't look like physicists to me.
Nora: What do physicists look like?
Matt: I don't know. Shouldn't they be wearing lab coats or something?
Laurie: Well, so everybody wants something. A brain, a heart, courage. Kevin's in the Emerald City. He's the one who's going to give it to you.
Senior: Alright, Dorothy. Let's have it. Tell us we're lunatics.
Laurie: Yeah, it sounds crazy. But these are crazy times.
Laurie: Oh come on. You're not going to let me see this suicide machine for myself?
Nora: It's not a suicide machine.
Laurie: It's not? It sure seems like an incredibly elegant way to kill yourself.
Nora: If I was gonna kill myself, I'd just go scuba diving.
Laurie [laughs]: What?
Nora: There are lots of ways to die when you're scuba diving. Your oxygen tank can break, you can get a bubble in your blood and have a stroke.
Laurie: I know. I'm certified.
Nora: And Laurie Murphy was certified. She'd logged hundred of hours under water, but accidents happen. What a senseless tragedy. And then Jill and Tom and John are standing there at the funeral and they're protected. They'll never know that you twisted the knob the wrong direction because you wanted to. And just like that, you're gone. Clean, quiet certainty. Fully explained. Now that's fuckin' elegant.
Laurie: Look, death is easy. People just want finality, an end to their grief. But with Departures, there is not end, and if we indicated otherwise, just by saying we were able to communicate with those individuals? It made their loved ones very, very angry because they didn't want closure.
Nora: I want fuckin' closure.
Laurie: I know. That's why we're here.
Senior [trying to start a car with a screwdriver]: What the fuck? You steal this thing?
Laurie: Says the man who just assaulted an officer of the law.
Senior: Eh, he'll be fine. I had no choice. His chief's in a tarp under the Goddamned church. He was heading right for him.
Laurie: Do you want Kevin to ask Evie why she left her family?
John: No. I asked him to give her a message. I want him to tell Evie she was loved.
Laurie: That's beautiful, John.
Matt: What happened?
Laurie: Kevin's at a ranch with his father.
Nora: That's good. Tomorrow's a big day. We should ALL be with family.
Grace: Was he a good husband? Kevin?
Laurie: He was a great husband. He saved me.
Grace: But you divorced him.
Laurie: Yeah, well, I joined a cult. It was just one of those things they made you do.
Laurie: So you're wrong, Pop. I'm not Thomas. I'm Judas. Doubting is easy, 'cause doubting costs you nothing. But Judas, he was surrounded by people going on and on about how special Jesus was, but he betrayed them anyway. 'Cause he was sure that he believed in something, and he acted on it.
Michael: Then he killed himself.
Laurie: What sweetie?
Michael: Judas collected 30 pieces of silvers and hung himself.
John: You alright?
Michael [struggling]: If he was so sure, why did he kill himself?
Laurie: Well, Michael, I was not aware of that part of the story. I have no idea why he killed himself. Did he leave a note?
[Senior drops into his plate and Laurie looks at John with a sly eye]
So is this the part where you call the DSD and shut this operation down?
Laurie
