The Magicians
Wednesdays 9:00 PM on SyFyThe Magicians Season 5 Episode 11: "Be The Hyman" Quotes
Josh: It seems like I missed a lot here.
Margo: It’s actually super simple. The Dark King a.k.a Rupert Chatwin is trying to jailbreak his dead lover out of hell or whatever, so he needs to get rid of the guard dogs first. Hence, using you as a human smallpox blanket to kill the Takers.
Josh: Yeah, uh, I meant more like … contraception wards are supposed to be full-proof.
Margo: Don’t worry, my uterus is on lock.
Josh: Right, ‘cuz a werewolf baby could be, yikes, but potentially very cute.
Margo: Fucking adorable. Someday. Not now. I’m not giving birth to a god damn litter, Josh. Besides I thought we were done.
Josh: You risked your sanity to save me from the Taker realm. If that doesn’t buy us a clean slate…
Margo: So can we skip to the reunion banging? You’re wearing three rubbers.
Josh: At least.
Penny: Have you been to a doctor?
Julia: They don’t exactly have ultrasounds in Fillory.
Penny: Have you thought about what this means for us?
Julia: What do you want it to mean?
Penny: We broke up for good reasons. None of that has changed. My dad wasn’t around for long, my mom. Look, I’m not doing that to our kid. I want to be there for him. Her?
Julia: No clue yet. I want you to be there too.
Eliot: Anyone?
Fen: Eliot?
Eliot: Oh, it’s you. What kind of Fillorian nonsense is this, or am I dreaming?
Fen: I know I’m not. In my dreams, you’re nice to me.
Ember: In addition to just being very creepy, the dead drain life, contaminating everything they touch, like a pickle on a sandwich.
Josh: I like pickles.
Ember: Behold, a dead person wriggling from their grave. Oooh, aaghh. And this is every FIllorian that has ever lived.
All: Ugh.
Ember: You see the pickles of the dead will ruin Fillory. We must stop this, whatever the cost.
Eliot: Well, the cost is blowing up the entire planet, which is…
Ember: A decent option.
Eliot: I was going to say counterproductive.
Ember: Only if you care about peasants, which I do not.
Eliot: You want to get that, or…
Ember: Oh, it’s just a mouse farted something. A very gassy mouse.
Eliot: Umber.
Umber: It is I, an energetic emanation of Umber, great god of…
Ember: Piss off. Nobody wants you here.
Umber: I have heard your lamentations, and I am here to help. I was designed to intervene if my anarchist brother tries something stupid like blowing up the planet.
Hyman: Oh, this is incredible. I love fingering things.
Penny: OK, how about a few being alive in the 21st century ground rules. First of all, you can’t act like a fucking pervert anymore. Even white dudes can’t get away with that shit -- most of the time. People can see you and hear you…
Julia: And smell you. Sorry, pregnancy nose.
Penny: No, ground rules Hyman.
Hyman: Remind me, you are…
Fen: Fen.
Hyman: Fen?
Fen: Eliot’s wife. Fillory girl.
Hyman: Oh, of course, Fillory girl. You’re the one who loves forks.
Hyman: What’s got you grumpy?
Fen: I’m fine.
Hyman: As a seasoned viewer of people, I think you’re upset because their plan is zany, and if you speak up, you know they won’t listen.
Fen: What, no, their plan is great. And they do listen to me.
Hyman: Didn’t Eliot say you were a hayseed from a backwards prolapsed asshole of a planet? Or were you not there? OK, outsider to outsider, doesn’t this feel like the part in the story where the good guys are just wrong? Heart’s in the right place, but they haven’t learned the lesson of this little morality play they’re in yet. So they have this crazy plan that makes them almost as bad as the villain.
Fen: Oh.
Hyman: Or maybe it’s just me.
Penny: Your parents, were they magicians?
Hyman: No, dad was a door-to-door snake salesman.
Penny: Snake oil?
Hyman: No, and my mom worked at a brothel, you know just mopping.
Penny: Did she, uh, did she suffer from any mental problems, psychic stuff from being pregnant with you?
Hyman: Oh no, nothing like that. After the lobotomy, she mostly just sat on the porch and sucked at bits of hay. Other than that, she was the perfect mother.
Marina: You guys, come here.
Kady: Uh.
Marina: Kady, I just wanted to tell you I am so sorry for all the times I have hurt you. Come inside for cookies?
Alice: What the fuck was that?
Marina: I’m still learning how to bake so no judging. Go ahead, they’re not poisoned.
Kady: But they might be.
Alice: Marina, why are you…
Marina: Nice? Well, this might surprise you, but I made some bad choices in the past, and I needed to fix that. So I went to a transhealer, and she put a block on all the parts of my personality that made me aggressive, but ultimately self-destructive choices.
Kady: This feels like a scam.
Marina: Weird scam. I’m not asking you for anything, and you came to me. Seems like you need something.
Kady: So you could help us steal it.
Marina: No, no, no. I don’t do things like that anymore. Stealing from the Couple, people will get hurt.
Alice: Way more people will get hurt if you don’t help us.
Marina: Alice, friends don’t make friends grapple with the trolley problem.
