Martin: Hello big brother. Save me Rupert, I love you so. You’re still so predictable – your soft heart, your stubbornness, your stupidity.
Seb: What did you do to him?
Martin: Who, Lance? Never even met him. He must have moved on centuries ago. Spent some time in the library with my batty old writer friend Cassandra reading about the lengths you were going to to save him. You didn’t work nearly so hard to save me from Plover, did you?
Seb: Of course I did until I couldn’t. I had to save everyone from you. You chose the dark path.
Martin: Says the Dark King. Anyways, reading about you made me realize after everything you did to stop me you were going to give me everything I needed to have Fillory forever.

Lipson: I’m not doing this, OK. This is banned in 14 countries. The cat will hold all his crazy, but only while he’s touching it.
Plum: What happens to the cat?
Lipson: It goes, well, crazy. Don’t tell PETA.

Hyman: No. Hard pass as the kids say. Niete. Indian yes. Ah hell no. Anyway I’m not speaking to you.
Margo: Just wait. Do you not understand?
Hyman: Do you not understand you’re asking me to travel as a world explodes. Can you promise me no debris will hit me on my head.
Eliot: Well no, but…
Hyman: Things on my head hurt.
Margo: Life is pain. Ovary up.
Hyman: I am not a hero. I am a man tethered to a machine for poop and humiliation, and I abhor it. I said good day.

Seb: I know you’re worried, but it’s all going to be OK because of you. There’s a danger that once this door opens more dead will come through.
Eliot: This is insane.
Seb: Not if you seal it fast.
Eliot: You didn’t just bring me here to help you. You knew that I would try to stop you. Deep down, I know you want that too.
Seb: If I wanted you to stop me, I wouldn’t have cast on that door 20 minutes ago.

Penny: I know I told you you shouldn’t do it, but I will protect you, OK, somehow. I know a way to get to Jane Chatwin. She’ll help us, and you can go back to before.
Plum: Listen…
Penny: You can go back and stop Julia from dying, please.
Plum: We can’t.
Penny: Why the fuck not?
Plum: Because we already did.

Plum: Professor, we have to tell her. She’s trapped here and – insane to think about it – pregnant with my mother.
Jane: Yes. Tell me what my dears?
Penny: We are going to destroy Fillory with you on it. It is the only way to stop your brother.
Jane: The best we can do is to try to stop our legacy from hurting anybody else. You’re doing the right thing both of you. But I won’t be gone. I’ll still be here in the clock barrens. Without Fillory, it’ll be a little bit harder to find me.

Santa: Oh hey, Alice.
Alice: Did I sleep until December?
Santa: I couldn’t resist giving out a few more gifts while I’m here. Given your quest-heavy lifestyle, there’s no guarantee any of you will live to see Christmas. Sit, have a cookie.

Alice: Why did you put it there? What if I ignored it?
Santa: But you didn’t. You needed something to get back in the game. You weren’t gonna pass on a mystery you thought your guy was working on. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Alice: It really sucks.
Santa: Well, now you know. That page and wherever that quest took you it wasn’t his story; it was yours Alice. For what it’s worth, I think he’d been really proud of you, the way you keep on fighting. I told you. I told you were good.
Alice: I still don’t know if that’s true.
Santa: Hey, this is how it works: You do your best, you fuck up, you get hurt, people die. Except for the odd microplane, jack shit gets wrapped up in a bow.
Alice: You know you’re a real ray of sunshine Santa.
Santa: Ho ho ho.

Eliot: Listen, I have a man in my head. He’s looking for a body and you have one that you don’t even really want.
Margo: Jesus, no way he goes for this. You’re an idiot Charlton.
Hyman: He wants to take this, and I would what, stay in astral forever?
Eliot: Well you could or you could…
Hyman: Empathically yes. Oh my god on one condition.
Eliot: OK.
Hyman: Your head pal has to do weird things with my body. Sex things.
Eliot: OK.
Hyman: What’s his name?
Eliot: Charlton.
Hyman: No act too depraved Charlton. I’ll be watching whether you like it or not.
Eliot: What have we done?

Fen: Way easier to get in than out.
Zelda: Like so many things in life.

Seb: I survived the war, losing Lance, my family torn apart by a monster who said he would take care of my brother, and I thought one thing, I just want to use magic for one thing I want.
Eliot: You knew better.
Seb: I had to try. You couldn’t understand that.
Eliot: But I do understand. I always did.
Seb: Eliot what was the plan before I…
Eliot: My friends are here. They’re rapturing everyone so we can destroy this planet – that we love by the way, but we have to – to destroy you. You let us no choice Seb.
Seb: It could still work. I could cut up the door to the underworld to stop Martin from bringing anymore dead through. Don’t try to cast. You’ll hurt yourself.
Eliot: It’s not like the zombies are coming.
Seb: Go, find your friends. I can hold off the dead. It’s not like they can kill me.
Eliot: No, they can rip you to shreds, and then we kill you anyway.
Seb: Eliot, go.
Eliot: Do you not get that I don’t want you to die. You’re not evil, you’re just…just some deluded asshole that I care about.

Josh: Sorry I was really stoned the last time I did this but time to discuss your shortcut. Margo?
Margo: Yeah there isn’t one. What do you want me to say? Somebody had to egg up and do this, and I am Margo the Destroyer.
Eliot: I didn’t name you that just so you…
Margo: Could get destroyed while destroying.
Eliot: Yeah.
Margo: Yeah, I’m not wild about it either, but this thing’s gotta get done, so…
Eliot: We’ll all go.
Josh: Yes, we’ll all go.
Margo: Stop. If I learned one thing from Quentin – one – is sometimes you sacrifice for those you love. I’m doing this so you two can live, so don’t you dare follow me.

The Magicians Quotes

Dean: Snuck a box of Oreos.
Quentin: Magicians can't eat Oreos?
Dean: Diabetics can't eat Oreos.

I can't just go to Yale if I know this place exists.