The Magicians Season 5 Episode 8: "Garden Variety Homicide" Quotes
Fen: The Takers, that’s how he stays in power. He summons them, and only he can fight them.
Josh: Jesus, I go away to my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah for one week, and then everything gets fakakta. What are we going to do?
Margo: We got to kill the Dark King. What, we’re all thinking it.
Josh: Eli’s Torah portion was all about the sanctity of life, and I found it very moving. So, can’t we, I don’t know, peacefully overthrow him?
Margo: No, we can’t. He’s got a centurion army. I should know, I’m one of them.
Eliot: Also 300 years of propaganda convincing everyone they need them.
Fen: Also, also, 300 years, we’re talking a powerful immortal magician. Doubt you can just walk up and stab the guy.
Margo: I’ve been researching: The Dark King survived seven assassination attempts since he took our thrones.
Julia: Must be big magic keeping him alive. We have to figure out what it is, find out his weakness.
Josh: You’re on board with this too?
Julia: I mean, I’m here to stop an apocalypse that happens because an evil force invades from a distant realm. That sounds like the Takers.
Margo: Then it’s settled. We kill the Dark King, stop the Takers from pouring in, stop the apocalypse. Who’s in?
Eliot: I’m not sure I can go through with this.
Margo: El, you have a crush on a boy who’s bad for you -- happens to all of us -- but how do we get crushes out of our system?
Eliot: Lots of drinking, pining, some detailed sex fantasies?
Margo: No, we bang them out.
Eliot: OK, that’s great except for the part where now I have to murder the guy I hypothetically slept with, which is a thing that shouldn’t really happen to a person more than once.
Hamish: You took the thing, the panel. You can’t just … this is mass floricide.
Alice: Sorry, I had to bring the panel here so I could study it.
Hamish: Sorry, I can’t hear you over my planets dying. Is this a western facing window?
Alice: Now we have a working classroom, because, you know, this is a school for magicians, not flowers.
Penny: No offense, but I’m going to trust the file with the red stamp.
Alice: Look, the only place on earth right now with magic stable enough for Ray to examine it is in our lab, thanks to me installing the circumstances control panel for you.
Penny: Don’t you think figuring out the deal with magic is more important than translating some page you found out about a plant?
Alice: I found it in Quentin’s desk. This thing that makes no sense, except it was important to Q, so maybe it’s important we figure out what it is.
Seb: Being a king, nobody knows what it’s really like.
Eliot: Seb, do you think you could ever step down?
Seb: I have to be king.
Eliot: You don’t have to be anything. I could help you.
Seb: Eliot, I appreciate your concern more than I can say. This is my burden; I can’t leave.
Eliot: Is it something we can fix? A spell or a curse of some kind?
Seb: A choice I made a long time ago, tied to a conduit. I thought it was the only way I could save Fillory.
Alice: Ray, what do you make of …
Ray: All right glasses, I’m going to say a word you don’t know: phyllotaxis.
Alice: The arrangement of leaves around a central stalk.
Ray: Oh, you’re one of those.
Alice: Says the arrogant dime a dozen academic with a plant fetish.
Margo as Eliot: Listen Charlie, stay the fuck out of my way.
Eliot as Margo: Hey, Bambi, before you go all Bambi and scare him off, why don’t you maybe let him help you?
Margo as Eliot: I’ve managed just fine without a Tyler Durden up my cooch, thanks.
Eliot as Margo: I’m just saying this Seb situation is pretty complicated. You’re not exactly a subtle relationship person.
Charlton: From what I’ve seen he’s right.
Fen: Julia, let me take over. Rest is good for the baby.
Julia: Not a baby, still baking.
Fen: But it’ll become a baby. You do know how this works, right?
Julia: Look Fen, I just want to live my life without this defining every aspect of it, you get me.
Fen: OK, well if that’s the truth, why haven’t you done something about it? It’s not a hard procedure, even in Fillory.
Julia: You think I should abort it?
Fen: I’m saying you should make a choice. You’re letting something into your life that you can’t control and in lots of ways will control you. It’ll make you happy or devastate you.
Julia: I’ve been pregnant before, and it was really bad, and I knew this time if I told everyone about it, they’d get worried and overprotective. And I just wanted to take one of the next nine months to feel like maybe this time it wouldn’t be so terrible, you know.
Fen: Nine months, what are you talking about? It’s Red Monkey month.
Julia: Red Monkey what?
Fen: Everything grows faster in Red Monkey month -- healing, crop growth, weirdly not monkeys.
Julia: Are you saying my pregnancy’s going to be sped up?
Fen: Julia, it already is, as long as you stay in Fillory.
Julia: Oh Jesus Christ.
Fogg 17: I say this as the man who blew up my Brakebills: You’re the worst god damn dean we’ve ever had.
Penny: Yeah, I’m not here for a lecture from my prisoner. Just hiding from spores.
Fogg 17: So you remember that this room is hermetically sealed but not to consult the ‘do not admit’ list.
Penny: I did everything a dean is supposed to do.
Fogg 17: A dean is supposed to have strong instincts like knowing anyone who’d visit Anoncia is also insane enough to visit other worlds with infections for which we cannot test.
Alice: Just assume they’re all infected.
Penny: And assume they’re all looking for us. It’s too risky for us to go in together.
Alice: I know where it is. I’ll go.
Penny: Hey, remember magic is unpredictable outside the lab.
Alice: So no phosphoromancy. Good thing I have experience being invisible from high school.
Charlton: If you need my help just ask.
Margo as Eliot: Jesus’s clit. I know how to work a guy Charlton.
Charlton: Yes, you do, Margo, but as Eliot, you’re coming on too strong. Seb likes Eliot’s vulnerability. Don’t be pushy, open up. He and Eliot are close because of the losses they share.
Margo as Eliot: I think I owe you an apology.
Seb: Eliot, that’s not necessary.
Margo as Eliot: It’s just, I haven’t felt this way in a really long time. I think the fact that we both … it just felt safe with you, you know.
Seb: On that mountain we both felt it. There’s nothing wrong with wanting more; I wish I could give you more, but I just can’t. I must put Fillory first even if it means I suffer. I do hope you understand that.
Margo as Eliot: I get it; it’s hard to be king. People don’t know what you go through.