The Magicians
Wednesdays 9:00 PM on SyFyThe Magicians Season 5 Episode 4: "Magicians Anonymous" Quotes
Kady: So I’ve been clean a year. Thanks, but maybe hold that because I’ve been jonesing hard. Well, uh, I’m a hedge. You know, before we saved magic we got a shit deal. There was a blood worm scare, so the Library gave a lot of hedges the Reed’s Mark. Well, get a mark, you’re magically castrated until they take it off. And the Library’s imploding, and they can’t fix it, and the marked ones are looking at me like, ‘Hey, bossy pants, you rallied us to save magic. How ‘bout saving us?’ And, I found a spell to remove the marks in a depository. Only, all of a second, it’s gone, but I know the only way to move something that warded is to move it through the etheric realm.
Female magician: Cool, I’ve heard it’s awesome there. What’s the prob?
Kady: The prob is there’s only one way into the realm. Anybody heard of RCH? Nickname ‘Archie.’ Yep, they way to save every marked hedge is to drop acid. A true 12 step conundrum.
Kady: You met the nice me. Here’s the real me: Fuck off. What?
Fogg: Well, I take the anonymous part of Magicians Anonymous very seriously.
Kady: So you quit drinking?
Fogg: Thirty-three days, six hours, 19 minutes of skin peeling, soul-searing hell ago, yeah.
Sebastian: When we are alone, it can be Seb.
Eliot: Well Seb, we have a saying where I come from: “You kinda buried the lead on the … on you.
Sebastian: I didn’t mean to deceive you. Kings have to be very careful about who to trust and also it can be a relief to not …
Eliot: Feel the weight of the crown on your head every second.
Sebastian: You are wise, but I knew that already.
Margo: Ugh, please.
Eliot: What?
Margo: If you say his gorgeous eyes see into your soul, I’m going to puke all over your new leggings, which are quite sharp by the way. Legs for days.
Eliot: Thank you, but I never said his eyes were gorgeous or that he sees into my soul, but weirdly he might.
Margo: Or he’s sucking the soul out of you because he doesn’t have one.
Eliot: Um, he did save my life.
Margo: He’s called the Dark King.
Eliot: You’re called Margo the Destroyer.
Margo: I was a woman ruling a patriarchy; my brand had to be overkill. Bottom line: He likes you. Use that to find out what he’s really about. I’ll see if my fellow centurions like to gossip, then we regroup and decide: benevolent dictator by necessity or psychopathic despot by choice.
Zelda: Help me, please.
Alice: What’s going on? Who are they?
Zelda: Goths.
Alice: What, like Marilyn Manson?
Zelda: Visigoths.
Alice: Oh, Germanic barbarians.
Julia: Oh, fucking hell.
Clarion: Oh sorry. Did you want Hades? I could get word to him, but what a dick.
Clarion: But the way you’re imagining the harmonic convergence, isn’t quite enough. It’s so much worse. So when all the spells cast by all the magicians go haywire, you’re gonna get earthquakes, fire, drought, starvation, plague, and then comes cannibalism.
Julia: Um, is there anything you can do?
Clarion: I could stop it. How’d that be?
Julia: Great, but I’m assuming there’s something you want in return.
Clarion: Yeah. You have dealt with a god or two.
Julia: I’m going to need a few more details. I don’t know, starting with why.
Clarion: Do I want to be human? Oh, it’s simple. So, I’m the goddess of melody, right, but did you know that we can’t actually feel music? Like we understand it, we can tell the good from the bad – ah, sort of.
Julia: So you want to be human so you can do karaoke?
Clarion: I know that it sounds like hubris itself, but I think I could be a rock star. I mean, I pretty much know the gig. Right, they all pray to me, except for Amy Winehouse -- OK, look how that one turned out. Poor thing. Any other questions.
Julia: Oh boy.
Leader: His Majesty is immortal, yes, but he is not invulnerable.
Margo: Which makes us …
Male centurion: Expendable.
Margo: What are we looking at here?
Male centurion: His Majesty wants the kingdom to witness him saving subjects from the Takers. These are in almost every room in the castle, most of the taverns, and …
Margo: It’s fucking Fox News.
Male centurion: Fox is all lies. No one would ever believe their news.
Margo: Give me a phaser and a red shirt.
Male centurion: What?
Margo: Yeah, just don’t.
The Binder: The Binder stared at Julia, wondering if she’d learned nothing from her interactions with deities.
Julia: I don’t have a lot of choice here. If you can’t do this the earth is doomed.
The Binder: ‘Again,’ the Binder asked, bored. Still the Binder wondered why on earth would Julia trust this Clarion.
Julia: I don’t, but the options here are narrowing.
The Binder: As a book, the Binder enjoyed any opportunity to teach and here was a word Julia desperately needed to understand: no.
