Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, "Uhh...no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."

Michael

Everyone, guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You're a guy... too. Sort of.

Michael

Michael: Tube city. You owe me one.
Jim: [interview] Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles I picked was Michael's idea of running plastic tubes all over the office with hamsters inside of them. He called it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.

Michael: "Women in the Workplace." Yeah. Translation: I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls - oh, sorry "women of the workplace." About what? I don't know. Clothes. Me.

Five minutes ahead of schedule... Right on schedule.

Dwight

Ryan: Did you see Saw?
Dwight: Of course I seesaw, Mose and I seesaw all the time.

Michael: This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?
Creed: That is correct.

Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don't ever get to see your pictures. If it's an important event, that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera.

Erin

Michael: You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop da soap. Don't drop da soap.
Ryan: Michael, please.

Kevin: Oooh, now do the Swedish chef!
Andy: I'm not familiar, what province is he from?
Kevin: He lives on Sesame Street, you dumbass.

Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.
Stanley: That's not what what a hate crime is.
Michael: Well I hated it. A lot!

Dwight: Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

The Office Quotes

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael