The Office Season 5 Episode 14: "Lecture Circuit (Part 1)" Quotes
I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald.... I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. You get it.Michael
Michael: [on phone] NO! Oh, my God. Oh, No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you... [hangs up] It is going to be hard for me to speak today. Because I just learned that my father has died... No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't. [Karen raises her hand] Yes. Karen, do you need to go pump?
Karen: Not gonna have to do that, 'til after I have the baby.
Karen: Hey. Hi, guys.
Michael: [notices Karen's pregnant] Oh my God. Is that Jim's?
Karen: Of course not!
Michael: Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God, for everybody right? Whoo kay. Wow, you're huge! That's incredible! I... God sorry, sorry my head is... I'm just, I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and...
Karen: Let's just get this over with, shall we?
Michael: Okay, mmm. Ten, ten months?
Jim: We just wanted to say we are very sorry.
Kelly: Screw you guys. You're dead to me.
Dwight: If you say screw you one more time...
Kelly: Yeah, screw you, beefer, I don't forget your birthday, I would never do that.
Dwight: Hey, HEY.
I am single now. What we have here, is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win.Andy
Julia: Oh, this is a nice office.
Stanley: You don't have to lie. Through here.
Andy: Um, Phyllis, who's that?
Phyllis: She's out of your league Andy.
Andy: For your information, I have been with lots of beautiful women.
Andy: This conversation is over.
I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me, and she still hates me, so...Pam
Pam: Can I turn on the radio?
Michael: No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.
Pam: But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do.
Michael: Then listen to your iPod, Pam.
Pam: That's dangerous.
Michael: Well then... hey you know what then let's just talk.
Pam: That's okay I can... I'm fine. I'll just play a song in my head.
My birthday was yesterday, and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word. There wasn't even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.Kelly
Dwight: ... there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.
Jim: Party planning is literally the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.
Dwight: I am a paper salesman, this is humiliating.
Jim: Hey, Kelly.
Kelly: Screw you.
Dwight: Excuse me, that is no way to address a superior.
Kelly: Oh yeah? Screw you too.
Jim: Whoa! What was that all about.
Phyllis: You forgot her birthday, it was yesterday.
Michael: Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. No, uh, seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches, except Nashua, still a little bit raw there. Um, but I am going to these branches and sharing my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. Oh that, well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.
Pam: He brought a sled.
Michael: No! That is a toboggan, you never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.
Pam: Yeah. I love being on the road, but I especially love the time and a half pay 24 hours a day, for three days. Cause I have a mortgage now, got a bring home the bucks.