The Office Season 5 Quotes
Kelly: Get out of my nook, Dwight.
Pam: [heard on Jim's Bluetooth] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
[dressed as Charlie Chaplin] So aparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used grease paint for my moustache. And I can't even take off my hat... because then I'm Hitler.
Pam
It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said, "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?" And he said, "I asked you first." And I said, "First!" at the same time he did. And then I said "Jinx." And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...
Holly
Creed: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.
In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.
Michael
I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
Stanley
Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.
Jim
I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it's because they see me as one of them. But...cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were President, there would be no taxes. There would be no war. There would be no...government, and...things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea then a serious suggestion.
Michael
Holly: Meredith, that is serious. I mean not only that a conflict of interests, there's also an exchange of goods.
Meredith: Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey?
Michael: That's crazy. That's crazy talk, Meredith! The Merenator, sleepin' with suppliers! Hoo-ooh! Wow! What time we got? [checks watch] You know what? That's a good place to end it. Right there. This, I think, was a great ethics seminar. She has given us a lot of wonderful things to think about. Right...what is wrong. Who's to say? Really. In the end. I mean because it is...unknowable. But let's give her a round of applause. Holly, everybody. Holly! Get back to work.
Meredith: I'll go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Myers? The Scranton rep for Hammermill?
Michael: BRRRRUUUCCCEEEE.
Meredith: Well, for the past six years I have been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates.
Jim: Jackpot.
Ryan: Kelly.
Kelly: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.
Ryan: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid-20s and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.
Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
[cut to interview]
Creed: That wasn't a tapeworm.
