Here's my theory. A woman can't really love a man unless he's part-dope. Be a little stupid every day and really stupid once in a while but just don't be perfect.

Mercer

Grayson: Go ahead, say it.
Mercer: Say what?
Grayson: Whatever snarky jab you're about to make.
Mercer: I saw him in the mess hall using both hands to sip his tea.

Isaac: Perhaps compulsory consumption of further quantities of alcohol would diminish his desire for the substance?
Dr. Finn: Pour booze down his throat until he can't handle any more?
Isaac: Precisely.
Dr. Finn: Yeah, that's called murder, Isaac. That's not gonna work.

Dr. Finn: I'm starting to think that I suck at this parenting thing.
Isaac: I must agree with that assessment.

Bortus: There is a young officer under my command who I have noticed also has no mate. If you wish, I will order him to mate with you.
Kitan: Wow, that is the sweetest and most totally wrong thing anyone has ever said to me.
Bortus: I have no reason to doubt his seed is fertile.

I am led to understand that you are a failure in the practice on mating.

Bortus

Dr. Finn: He's not sick. He's just growing up and I can't stop it.
Isaac: Are there not chemical compounds that could effectively stunt his physical development?
Dr. Finn: My gosh, what is the matter with you?
Isaac: I am merely trying to assist.

Isaac: Very good, Ty, you have been practicing.
Ty: Yeah, Mom makes me practice a half-hour every day. How long did it take you to learn piano?
Isaac: Approximately one-millionth of a nanosecond.

I love it here. Like, I know for a lot of people, work is work. But for me, coming in here every day is like, 'That's not work.' I'm always like, 'Really? This is my job? How did I win at life?' But I did. I've won.

Malloy

Bortus: Sir, you are aware that Moclans urinate only once per year.
Mercer: I am, yeah.
Bortus: It is my time.

Mercer: Y'know there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on the ship.
Kitan: How so?
Mercer: Well, we both know we're good at our jobs. And yet, we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics.

Mercer: Y'know what the worst days are, Olix? The days when you can't stay busy. No Krill confrontations. No spatial anomalies. Just nothing going on. And all your thoughts just march inward.
Olix: So most days.

The Orville Season 2 Episode 1 Quotes

Grayson: Go ahead, say it.
Mercer: Say what?
Grayson: Whatever snarky jab you're about to make.
Mercer: I saw him in the mess hall using both hands to sip his tea.

Mercer: Y'know what the worst days are, Olix? The days when you can't stay busy. No Krill confrontations. No spatial anomalies. Just nothing going on. And all your thoughts just march inward.
Olix: So most days.