Oh honey, you're so pretty, but you've always made decisions like an ugly girl.

Tara and Charmaine's mom

We are like the dumbest nation on the whole planet. I think it has something to do with freedom. We're very free, so we're very free to be stupid.


Kid in comic store: What are you?
Linda: She's Princess Valhalla Hawkwind.
Kid: What?
Kate: What to take a picture with me?
Kid: What are your super powers?
Kate: I don't have a vagina.
Kid: Come on let's go to Popeye's and get some chicken.

Got it, like Barbie - no holes.


Tommy Bahama is like Ed Hardy for sixty-five year old fat men.


Kate: Why does Mrs. Butterworth need to be black? And Aunt Jemima too. That's some f***ed up racial pancake s**t.
Marshall: Mrs. Butterworth isn't black; she's just filled with syrup. She's clear.
Kate: Hmm...she's a clearcasian.

You're f***ing face is the f***ing gay size.


Everyone's a taker - everything's a thing.


I'm like the cockroach, I persist.


I want my wedding pictures with Nick, but I want my wedding night with Neal.


It's always the diseases fault, not just someone being an a**hole.


Hey Charm - you're going to be a great mother.