Popular Two and a Half Men Quotes
Charlie: (on Jake's texting) Look at him. He can type 80 words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill, and peeing is not.
Alan: Hey, are you alright?
Charlie: No, I'm not.
Alan: What's going on?
Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles: One—if at all possible, ladies first; Two—it is easier to be forgiven than ask permission; and third and most important—the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.
Alan: (on condoms not being 100% effective) Haven't you read the package?
Charlie: Who reads the package? It's not like a cereal box.
Charlie: Okay, okay, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of fun, and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.
(Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign)
Alan: Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! (Jake is picking his nose) For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Alan: Playboy?
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
Alan: I intend to give my rose to Bachelorette #2.
Charlie: Only you could gay up banging two women.
(to Jake) Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose some brain cells.
Charlie
Berta: (reading title of book) Cooking for Dummies.
Charlie: No offense, Jake, I'm actually cooking for everybody.
[Melissa]'s actually a doll. I wonder if she's anatomically correct?
Charlie
Berta: Who's the Smurf?
Alan: The "Smurf" is my receptionist.
Berta: You're letting Charlie hit that?
Alan: You sure you don't wanna come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: You still have a fax machine?
Melissa: It feels like I have known [Charlie] all my life.
Alan: I know the feeling. You get over it.
