My girlfriend on the other hand, has no idea who I really am, damn little desire to find out, and is only interested in riding me like a wild mustang and draining me of all bodily fluids


Judith [about Kandi]: Are you proud of yourself?
Alan: What do you mean?
Judith: Oh, please, she has to be half your age.
Alan: Oh, that. Yeah, I am pretty proud of that

Charlie [hands her flowers]: These are for you.
Mia: You didn't have to do that.
Charlie: Really? My brother said I did

Charlie: I want to share this with my entire family.
Berta: Okay, I'm leaving.
Charlie: Berta, I consider you part of my family.
Berta: Am I in your will?
Charlie: No, but neither are the rest of them

First of all, the phone is no good. You must grovel in person. Humiliation is a visual medium


Dr. Freeman: Have you ever been in therapy before?
Charlie: Does massage therapy count?

Charlie: Everything I say is confidential, right?
Dr. Freeman: Whatever you say, stays in this room.
Charlie: Kind of like Vegas?
Dr. Freeman: Well, except there is no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Charlie: Yeah, like Vegas

Charlie: Which one's Amy?
Alan: Amy is the one who overcame the eating disorder.
Charlie: Starving herself or throwing up?
Alan: Does it make a difference?
Charlie: It does if you're paying for dinner.
Alan: Amy is the brunette.
Charlie: Got it. So I have Jennifer.
Alan: You mean Beth.
Charlie: Oh right, right, B for blonde.
Alan: B can also be for brunette.
Charlie: But Amy is the brunette, you could do A for anorexic.
Alan: Unless its B for bulimic.
Charlie: Good point, we're gonna need a new system

Dr. Freeman: I'm still not clear on what it is you would like me to help you with? Ah, your anger issues? Your sexual issues? Drinking?
Charlie: No, no, no, that's all cool

Alan: Did you see how happy Jake was to be spending the night away from me?
Charlie: Why'd you say that, because he jumped out of the car while it was still moving?

Charlie: I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science. I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting...and I am all for messing around with brain chemistry...I mean, that is how I got through High School. But in my experience popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety quite as well as... bourbon and Marvin Gaye.
Dr. Freeman: Now I get it, you're desperate and I am full of whooie

Charlie: Anyway, last night I am out with my stupid, lame ass brother.
Dr. Freeman: Sounds like you you've got some anger towards him...
Charlie: Oohh, you're good

Two and a Half Men Season 3 Quotes

Charlie: Mixing those pills with alcohol is really a bad idea.
Alan: Not if you're trying to kill yourself

Charlie: Hey, buddy, how you been?
Jake: Life stinks.
Charlie: Cheer up, you're still a kid. It gets much worse