Two and a Half Men Season 3 Quotes
Alan: I'm a victim here.
Berta: Oh, yeah, you've got victim written all over you.
Alan: But does my brother sympathize?
Berta: Do Catholic priests make good babysitters?
Berta: You mind if I take your room?
Alan: Gee! You want to take my room, I...
Berta: Trust me, you would want me to have a room with a private crapper
Berta: You know, you've got a great view here.
Charlie: You're just noticing?
Berta: My days here are spent looking at dirty toilets and washing horse starch you call sheets
Alan: You mind looking after Jake while I'm gone?
Charlie: If it will help you get outta here, I'd breast feed him for you
Jake: What's her name again?
Charlie: Salma Hayek
Jake: Her name is as pretty as her boobs
Alan [about Judith]: The point is, she wants to give it another try, and so do I. But we can't let Jake know because we don't want him to get his hopes up.
Charlie: Oh, buddy, why don't you just take an electric sander to your testicles?
Alan: You told on me?
Charlie: You wouldn't listen to reason so now you have to listen to mom
Evelyn [about Alan and Judith]: If you were to reconcile, I would have to apologize to her.
Alan: So?
Evelyn: I'd rather kill us all
Charlie: Oh, hey, Alan! The kid was asking about these women you've been going out with, why he never gets to meet any of them?
Alan: Really? What, what did you tell him?
Charlie: I said it's probably because he's disgusting.
Alan: Oh, Charlie...
Charlie: I also told him that you love him and that you don't want him to get attached to somebody and get disappointed if things don't work out.
Alan: Good. Thank you.
Charlie: How come I don't get to meet them?
Alan: Cause you're disgusting.
Charlie: That's very hurtful, Alan
Charlie: Oh, for the good old days when you could pretend you were blind and wander into the girls' locker room.
Alan: You actually did that? That's terrible.
Charlie: No, taking the dog from the blind guy was terrible.
Alan: Charlie's coming to work with me.
Berta: Why?
Alan: He's helping me around the office.
Berta: You wanna bet?
Charlie: This is where you come every day?
Alan: For eleven years, what do you think?
Charlie: I'd have killed myself ten and a half years ago