Alan: If you want dessert, have an apple.
Jake: Not funny, Dad.

Alan: You know we don't have to go out to dinner just because it's my birthday.
Melissa: Don't be silly. This is a very special night. How many times do you turn forty?
Alan: In my family, three or four.
Melissa: Well, the first one is the one that counts.

(to Alan) All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So, the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.


(After Janine goes into the kitchen)
Charlie: You don't know who you're messing with.
Jake: (yelling loudly) Are you kidding? I think she's gorgeous! (then slaps his hands together to make her think Charlie's hitting him) OW!! OW!!! (smugly) You don't know who you're messing with.

Charlie: Listen, Janine. Thanks for everything, but I should probably get this little guy home and come back. It's way past his bedtime.
Jake: What are you talking about? It's not past my bedtime.
Charlie: What do you wanna bet he falls asleep in the car and I have to carry him in?
Jake: What do you wanna bet he has to go home and take a laxative because he's too old to poop normal?

What can I say about Charlie? So many words come to mind, but so few that you can say in church. But we'll give it a shot. Charlie was a man of love. He loved his friends, he loved his family, but most of all he loved his penis, the only part of him that ever had an actual job. Anyway this was a man that was so full of love that it would actually ooze out of him, at which point he would see a doctor. But I kid the deceased whoremonger.


Charlie: I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.
Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine.
Evelyn: I don't know how 'worn down to a knob' can be fine, but alright.

Charlie: I'm gonna leave this world the way I came in.
Alan: By Caesarean section?
Charlie: Alone.

I love sleeping so much sometimes I even dream about it.


A lot of great discoveries were accidents, like Thomas Edison and the telephone.


Alan: This rat has quit the race.
Charlie: Good for you.
Alan: This hamster is off the treadmill.
Charlie: Glad to hear it.
Alan: This squirrel is satisfied with the nuts he has.
Charlie: No comment.

She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It'd be like going to the bathroom on Pinocchio's mouth.


Two and a Half Men Season 6 Quotes

Chelsea: What are you doing?
Charlie: You know what happens when we spoon
Chelsea: I'm sick!
Charlie: So am I!

You know when dogs are sick they hide until they feel better.. probably why they're man's best friend