Alan [about Marty]: Mom, are you and he...
Evelyn: Good Lord, no. The man is a thousand years old. It's a wonder his scrotum doesn't get tangled up in the wheels.

Charlie: Speaking of generosity, check out what I got Chelsea.
Alan: Diamond earrings, nice.
Charlie: Yeah, she dropped a couple hints about stuff she wanted, but I wasn't really listening, so I bought her these.

Charlie: Chelsea and I had a fight.
Alan: I'm sorry to hear that, did you want to talk about?
Charlie: I just did. Now go sleep on the couch.
Alan: Wait, if you and Chelsea had a fight, why do I have to sleep on the couch?
Charlie: You ever hear of crap rolling uphill?

Alan: This mean she's financially well off and doesn't care about your money.
Charlie: Which makes me trust her even less.
Alan: What!?
Charlie: Alan, think it through. If she's not interested in my money, then why is she marrying me?
Alan: I have no idea.
Charlie: Exactly, we may have to consider the possibility that Chelsea is insane.
Alan: I see your point.

Alan: Anything I could live in for free? You know, house-sit, building manager in lieu of rent?
Charlie: How did this become about you?
Alan: Fine, I'll stay here.
Charlie: Oh good, I was worried.

Charlie: I am not middle aged.
Alan: Oh, I'm sorry...
Charlie: You, you're middle aged!
Alan: I'm younger than you...
Charlie: You're also broke, losing your hair, and sleeping in my hide-a-bed.
Alan: You always gotta bring a gun to a knife fight don't you?

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, you want to dance with me?
Charlie: Hey, Jake, want to live in a foster home?
Jake: Sometimes.
Charlie: Don't sass me, boy. I'll take the switch to you.

I'm not hiding anything from you. You know everything I got. House on the beach, car in the garage, and a worthless douche in the guest room.


Charlie: How old do kids have to be before it's legal to punch them?
Chelsea: Come on, you'd never hit Jake.
Charlie: That's exactly what I want you to tell child services.

Alan: You'll have to back off a half step, there's no groin contact in ball room dancing.
Charlie: Huh, I wonder if that's why they call it ball... room.

Alan: Dance with me.
Charlie: Are you out of your mind?
Alan: I just want to give you a few tips.
Charlie: Keep your tip away from me.

Alan: Did you have to grovel?
Charlie: Like a leper as a kissing booth.

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Quotes

Alan: You plan on kicking me out when mom dies?
Charlie: You plan on being here when mom dies?

Jake [about his sister]: So far she eats, she poops and she sleeps. I'm not impressed
Berta: Give her a bad hair cut and she'd be you
Jake: Excuse you, I paid $9 for this haircut
Berta: Sorry