I haven't had any pride since the gym showers in seventh grade.


I can't possibly produce enough sperm or blood to get myself out of the hole i'm in.


In the dating game, wedding rings are like kryptonite. If superman was a vagina.


Walden: Your son makes one heck of a wingman.
Jake: You make it easy boss.

Alan: It wasn't a nut house, it was a stress clinic.
Jake: What's the difference?
Alan: About $2500 / week.

Alan: Oh thank god I'm still in a looney bin.
Gary Busey: It's a stress clinic.

I'm soaking wet and i had to give a truck driver half a handy to get here.


Walden: Is he prone to mental breakdowns?
Berta: Prone? No. Eligible? Certainly.

I'll give you a hint, I didn't do the dog people style.


Jake: Uncle Charlie never treated me like a stupid kid.
Alan: That's nice.
Jake: He treated me more like a stupid person.

Man they got my good bong.


Walden: We're talk songs, thongs, bongs and schlongs.
Alan: If he had an autobiography, that'd be the title.

Two and a Half Men Season 9 Quotes

Walden: Trust me, money doesn't buy happiness.
Alan: I wouldn't know, I've never had either.

Just like old times. I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me.

Alan [to urn]