Walden: I will buy you whatever you need in London.
Alan: If Zoey won't say it, I will. I love you Walden Schmidt.

Zoey: Interesting, I can imagine you as a drunken Sodomite, never imagining you for liking poetry.
Lyndsey: Oh no, I really do, here is a poem you might appreciate:
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I am nice person
And you can bite my pale, unrefined ass.
Zoey: A lady does not bite; she will however make you wear that ass as a bonnet.

Lyndsey: I am not a fan of fat people singing in a foreign language for two and a half hours.
Zoey: Well, Opera is not for everyone, to appreciate it requires a refined taste and certain amount of education.

Zoey: I slept like a baby.
Lyndsey: Hope you did not wet the bed.

That is one talented lady; and by talented... I mean annoying; and by lady, I mean bitch.


Harvard; the Santa Monica Community College of the East.


A guy in a leotard and a skirt realized he chopped off his own brother's head off. That is heartbreaking.


There's not enough cranberry juice in the world to put out the fire between my legs.


When I was married to judith it was my choice to get a vasectomy, new kitchen, and a labradoodle with a diarrhea.


I tried, [the beard] grew in patchy. I looked like a possum on chemo.


Alan: Can I tell women it's mine?
Walden: Why would you stop now?

Walden: You've mistaken tooth paste for lubricant?
Alan: Just once and it stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.
Walden: How did you know it was minty fresh?
Alan: Years of yoga and loneliness.

Two and a Half Men Season 9 Quotes

Walden: Trust me, money doesn't buy happiness.
Alan: I wouldn't know, I've never had either.

Just like old times. I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me.

Alan [to urn]