I couldn't have said it better myself...because I can't say things, because I'm a dog.

I'm gonna do that through training, discipline, and searching "hero dog" to see what that even means.

The home security system to a dog is like the cotton gin to a slave. It's an insult. It says you're easily replaceable.

Do you know what she said to me? Why don't you find a real crime to solve, McGruff? And you wonder where he gets it from.

Oh Phyllis, your kisses taste so sweet, and your paws smell like corn chips.

Ryan, no door can stay in the way of love. Unless it's like, a door door. Does it have a door knob?

Sorry, the music just sorta flowed out of me. I guess that's what happens when, love slaps you around like a little ho.

Wilfred: Fine, then I suppose I'll have to resort to more drastic measures.
Ryan: Wait, What're you gonna do?
Wilfred: I'm gonna get my squeaky ball and leave it on the living room floor, where Phil can see it. Then when our little friend goes to play with it I'll simply snatch.....it....back.

So, just when I finally neutralize the Jellybeans threat, you invite this bulldog to come and live with us? There's only so much dog poon to go around. And you know this Phil guy's gonna be creeping up on the neighborhood glory hole. That shit is locals only! It's like, Go back to the Val, kook!

Without Wilfred I have no purpose!


What is this a dick punch fight?

Ryan: I didn't really have you neutered! Everything you're feeling is only psychosomatic.
Wilfred: But you did have my ears cleaned, which is bad enough.

Wilfred Quotes

Ryan: I thought it would make me sound Effete.
Wilfred: So does saying the word "effete."

Ryan: Get off.
Wilfred: I'm trying to!