Andre: Actually I'm the caretaker assigned to accompany your mother tonight.
Katherine: It's complicated.
Andre: It's not complicated at all. I'm gonna wait in the car.

Ryan: Would you mind hanging out in the basement?
Wilfred: But it's not Christmas without Wilfred.

Now's your chance to stand up to him...perhaps in the form of a Beat It style knife fight.

Santa is the mail man on steroids.

Kristen: Mom's insane asylum...
Ryan: It's not an insane asylum. It has like ducks.
Kristen: Fine, her duck sanctuary.

I want to remind you to stay focused. Last time you got to the point where you were basically repeating the same sentence over and over, almost like a skipping record.


Wilfred: Like your old belly-smacking bat?
Ryan: I've told you a thousand times. That's my wiffle ball bat.
Wilfred: Agree to disagree.

How was the therapy? I have so many questions about your childhood. I don't even know where to start. Like, what was on the floor of your dad's office? Cookie crumbs? Spaghetti sauce droplets?

I think we were meant to take a left after the Hootie and the Blowfish years.

Wilfred: Are you drawing on pubic hairs?
Ryan: I was a late bloomer.

And then when I was six, I developed an unhealthy obsession with this bird...until it flew away some five seconds later.

Wilfred: You drove me to it. The way you went on and on about that bandana!
Ryan: I said it was cute.
Wilfred: Exactly! What was I supposed to do, not kill him for his bandana?

Wilfred Quotes

Ryan: I thought it would make me sound Effete.
Wilfred: So does saying the word "effete."

Ryan: Get off.
Wilfred: I'm trying to!