I hope she gets pregnancy 'roids and they leave her bed-ridden and I have to raise her baby myself. I'd parent the shit out of her. "Wear that skirt. Don't blow that boy. This is pizza."

Lindsay

• Permalink: I hope she gets pregnancy 'roids and they leave her bed-ridden and I have to raise her baby...
• Added: October 08, 2015

Improv guy: You wanna end the heckle with the meanest part of the joke.
Jimmy: "Improve comedy... kill yourselves." Wow, that's really good.

• Permalink: "Improve comedy... kill yourselves." Wow, that's really good.
• Added: October 08, 2015

Lindsay: I need wine.
Gretchen: C'mere, dumb-dumb. Let's watch some garbage TV and get our minds off of it. Which one of the Real Housewives are the stupidest?
Lindsay: All of them, because they're wives. But really it's New Jersey.

• Permalink: All of them, because they're wives. But really it's New Jersey.
• Added: October 08, 2015

She's finger-singing Beyonce?!

Lindsay

• Permalink: She's finger-singing Beyonce?!
• Added: October 08, 2015

Female Executive: Jimmy! How's it coming?
Jimmy: I'm sorry, Female Executive, I can't do it. I'm a fraud of a writer. Can't I just write the roller coaster book?
Female Executive: We already gave that to Neil Gaiman.

• Permalink: We already gave that to Neil Gaiman.
• Added: October 08, 2015

Killian: Can I go back to school? My mom says I'm the man of the house now and that I have to get an education.
Jimmy: Sorry, when I gave you that sleeve of Poptarts was that for your help or your biography?

• Permalink: Sorry, when I gave you that sleeve of Poptarts was that for your help or your biography?
• Added: October 08, 2015

Edgar: So, Dorothy, you're in 'Brian'? I didn't know they had a girl.
Dorothy: Yeah, yeah, that's me. The lone vulva.

• Permalink: Yeah, yeah, that's me. The lone vulva.
• Added: October 08, 2015