I'm sorry Annie. I'm not the worker-bee type. I'm more of a silver back gorilla with the claws of a lion, the teeth of a shark and the quiet dignity of a tortoise.

Jeff

What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?

Jeff

I've spent almost four years here, growing and changing and making dioramas.

Jeff

Britta: Jeff, why are people staring at you?
Jeff: Because they've never seen a man who's had sex before?

Jeff: Everyone wants you to shut up.
Britta: And yet I won't. Case in point.

Jeff: What are you doing here Change and how do you know where I live?
Chang: I can answer both of those questions by returning your driver's license.

It's got to be better than wine tasting with Pierce. He refused to drink Pinot Noir because he thought it was French for "black penis."

Jeff

Jeff: Don't kid a lawyer.
Annie: Well if I see one, I won't.

Jeff: I'd like to offer my sincere congratulations. It's hard enough to find people you can stand in this life, let alone someone willing to stomach your imminent dementia and present incontinence.
Pierce: Thank you, Jeff. I just hope she can satisfy me. I'm like an insatiable baboon in the bedroom.
Jeff: Don't sell yourself short. You're a baboon everywhere.

Oh Abed. Will your reality ever come out on Blu-Ray so we can enjoy it?

Jeff

Pierce, take it from an expert. These people are just outside your heart. Let them in, before it's too late.

Jeff

He also listens to the Barenaked Ladies. Go get their dumbasses to help you.

Jeff

Community Quotes

Sensible night, appropriate night.
Snow on ground, left and right.
Round yon purchase of decorative things.
Tolerant rewrite of carols to sing.
Function with relative ease,
Function with relative ease.

Shirley [sung to the tune of "Silent Night"]

Annie: How much effort am I worth?
Jeff: I'd break a light sweat.