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Teenagers are behaving poorly at what appears to be a summer camp. There were no threeways at Camp Crystal Lake!

What's that jingling?

As one girl pulls her sweatshirt over her head, the other two campers are skewered. Uh oh, she's lost an eye. And part of her brain, no doubt.

Mr. Jingles keeps ears for souvenirs.

Everyone in the camp is strewn around one bloody cabin. Oh, look! An afghan!

Mr. Jingles wears a raincoat like the dude in I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Frank  Stallone's great hit "Far From Over" is playing as Xavier teaches an aerobics class with all the colorful leotards that entails.

Montana chats with Brooke in the showers. She thinks she had an ass like that chick on Cheers, and maybe she can introduce Brooke to her friend Chet. She noticed her looking at his mound. 

The Night Stalker is killing people in Los Angeles. Xavier has the scoop. Brooke joins the conversation and meets Chet. Xavier missed an audition from one of the last episodes of M*A*S*H. He trained with Stella Adler. 

Xavier is heading out of town because word is the Night Stalker might go on a rampage similar to '78's Summer of Sam.

If Montana can teach aerobics up there? Oh yeah, she's in.

Montana writes her number on Brooke's palm. The beginning of the palm pilot!

Brooke is looking through her jewelry box. There is a diamond engagement ring.

Someone attacks Brooke in the middle of the night. It's Richard Ramirez! She overpowers his ass with a frying pan. The neighbors begin knocking. The cops are coming. Of course, Brooke is on her way to summer camp!

Rockwell. I always feel like somebody's watching me.

Chet rips off his shirt in the van. Ray offers his abs by way of retaliation.

They're doing coke.

It's a dirty, dingy gas station! Time to use the payphone. Xavier is in trouble. Someone left a nasty message on his answering machine.

Swayze is the Friday the 13th harbinger of death. They should never have opened that place again. They're all gonna die.

They missed the turn! And as a result, killed someone in the road.

Def Leppard! Photograph.

The guy screams like a banshee when he wakes up.

Chet's shorts and gym socks are the stuff that gym teachers wore.

Xavier wants to get their stories straight. That story is that they didn't hit the dude. He says something like they tried.

The lake is super small, if we're being honest. The lake is allegedly bottomless, and drowning is the number one death of campers.

Chef Birdie or Bertie is the Camp Redwood cook and a long-time vet of the place. 

No sex!!

Around the campfire, Nurse Rita gets ready to tell the tale of the 14-year-old massacre. She's shut down, but she wonders how all of them, so inexperienced, got jobs. Because nobody wants to do the job.

Benjamin Richter was Mr. Jingles. He was drafted to Vietnam, and in Saigon, he found his calling with the highest kill rate in his company. Richter kept ears around his neck and got discharged. Nobody knows why he snapped. 

Margaret has the real story. Only nine died, not ten. And no alcohol!

Margaret is a victim. She lost her ear. In 1970, she got attacked but didn't die. Jesus held her up above her body while she lost her ear, and she didn't make a sound.

Margaret wants to take all of her darkest memories and turn them into something bright and happy.

Street dude awakens with a start. It's classic slasher flick music accompanying him -- very Halloween. His ear is gone!

Brooke gets startled when street guy finds his way to her cabin. He freaks the hell out when she says it's Camp Redwood. Go, get out!

Private Eyes. Darryl Hall and John Oats. 

Trevor Kirchner was in the Jane Fonda workout video and on Three's Company! He was cut from Jane's video for taking away from Fonda. They recast and reshot, but Montana had VHS bootleg of the big-dicked wonder.

Matthew Morrison has a very attractive trunk.

The two go swimming in the lake, and they engage in a little extracurricular activity. While he's underwater, a car's lights are on the hill. Let's jam. 

Elsewhere, someone is getting let out of an asylum. The inmates are amok! It's so Halloween. Holy shit. It's Skinner!! Mitch Pileggi is the perfect guy to take on the role of Donald Pleasance's Loomis.

Mr. Jingles got out three hours earlier by pretending to hang himself.

Jamie Lee Curtis isn't in AHS, but she's all over the production.

Swayze is going to get Jangled!

It's the '84 Olympics. Chet is having issues not going. He smashes a can against Ray. Goddamned 'roid rage.

Just like Friday the 13th Part 2, they're running around in the rain with slickers!

Street guy is hanging dead from a peg on the door. Of course!

Brooke is under attack from Mr. Jingles! She's running, falling down hills, and face-first into a mud puddle. She makes to the cabin alerting the group that it's Jingles. Nobody believes her.

They all go looking for signs of Jingles. When they find nothing, they keep what they might know from Margaret.

The payphone is ringing. Her curiosity gets the better of her, and Brooke heads out to answer it. Richard Ramirez is right there!


American Horror Story
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American Horror Story Season 9 Episode 1 Quotes

Bitch! I will find you. Satan will show me the way.


I know it may sound silly to you, but I'm going to be the greatest aerobics competitor of all time. I'm Montana, by the way.