The Office Quotes: Best of Season Five

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The fifth season of NBC's The Office featured some acclaimed guest stars (Idris Elba, Amy Ryan), a post-Super Bowl extravaganza and more hilarious quotes than we can possibly list on one website. Ohhh, wait, that's not true, we've got the biggest collection anywhere!

Below are some of our favorite lines from this season. Be sure to check out our library of The Office quotes for the best quotes from EVERY episode of the show to date!

Michael Scott Paper Company
David Wallace: [playing volleyball at the company picnic] Nicely done. We're still going to crush you though!
Charles: Yes we are!
Rolph: You suckers are goin' down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!
Dwight: Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait-
Rolph: It's true!
Toby: This reminds me of the HR convention last fall. | permalink
Dwight: Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. [laughs at his own joke] No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken. | permalink
Creed: I want to set you up with my daughter.
Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed: I don't know. | permalink
Michael: There are certain defining moments in a person's life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. | permalink
Michael: Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?
Pam: Steve Martin's not dead, Michael.
Michael: I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. It's this. | permalink
Ryan: [on phone] Last night was crazy. Jojo? Yeah. He did a donut in a parking lot in front of a cop. And then he yells, "Hey cop, you like donuts?" then we drive off. [pauses] No, he just stayed there. | permalink
David: Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits-
Michael: And dental this time.
David: Insurance, taxes, social security for three people. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buy-out.
Michael: These are our demands.
David: Your company cannot be worth that much.
Michael: Our company is worth nothing. | permalink
Jim: About a week ago, Michael gave his 2-week notice. And, surprisingly there is a very big difference between Michael trying and Michael not trying. | permalink
Kevin: Lynn, I'm just gonna say to you everything that I am thinking.
Lynn: OK.
Kevin: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Lynn: OK.
Kevin: Nice. Boobs. | permalink
Kevin: I can't keep doing this forever.
Red Cross woman: It's been 20 seconds.
[Kevin continues for a few seconds, stops, and walks off]
Kevin: Call it. | permalink
Michael: Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. | permalink
Andy: We're getting married at Schrute Farms. No matter what. I have looked at 12 venues, I have lost eight deposits and I have seen Angela naked zero times. I am not losing another deposit. | permalink
Phyllis: Oh, I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, there would have to be a formal letter. | permalink

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The Office Quotes

Pam: I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired.
Meredith: Do you wanna make appletinis and watch Sex and the City at my place?
Pam: Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided. Yet.

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael
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