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Jersey Shore Review: The Ballad of Snooki and Jionni

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It's not a good week to be Snooki.

Some may argue it's never a good time, and they might be right, but homegirl had an especially volatile few days, what with smashing cars and crashing relationships. Not that anyone with two eyes and a pulse couldn't see impending doom coming from ten miles away for Jionni's visit, but if your girlfriend acts like she's on spring break on a regular basis, how did you expect her to behave when let loose internationally man? Some people never learn...

Snooki and Jionni

But if we're going chronologically here on "Where Is My Boyfriend?," let's begin with the car crash heard 'round the world. Or at least 'round Florence.

I, for one, am shocked that Snooki smashed the Fiat. I thought if anyone was a pro at handling a stick, it'd be her. (Zing! It's too easy, folks). The tabloids made a bigger deal of it here than it actually appeared to be, but at least the Team Meatball jail break made for entertaining television for about five minutes . Now that the streets of Firenze are safe from Nicole "Someone give me a driving lesson" Polizzi, let's deal with her man and his overly-bronzed junk. PS, Snooki, that's what the rest of us would call an "overshare."

Watching Snooki zip around the apartment like a small, brown pinball trying on outfits was hysterical. I didn't realize she could move that fast! When she finally decided which postage stamp-sized article of clothing to (almost) cover her kooka with, she ran to the door and threw herself into her mans' arms. Awww, ain't love grand?

Apparently not if you're Jionni.

He may have a point that his lady needs to stop acting like Single Snooki and start acting like Boyfriend Snooki - which sounds like an action figure - but he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on when you consider that she spends most of her time flashing her lady parts and rave dancing in public, which wasn't a secret when they started dating.

Packing his suitcase was a punk move, or maybe he was just frightened by her makeup-streaked face running through the streets looking for him. Was anyone else wondering what the heck happened to her dome or was it just me? Besides, as it was pointed out, she did pick you up at the Jersey Shore, man.

Wisdom according to Ron Ron, who knew?

I felt genuinely sorry for JWOWW when Roger bailed on his visit. I hope the actual conversation that took place was a lot more heartfelt and supportive than what they showed, because all I heard was Roger sounding as apologetic as if he'd just told her he forgot to pick up milk on the way home. She was crying, dude, show her that you were equally disappointed!

And speaking of disappointed, I hope Ron and Sam take Snooki and Jionni's very unflattering portrait of relationship-dramz-gone-wrong to heart and think about it next time they want to stage an episode of "Days of our Guido Lives" in the middle of the apartment. Not so fun being a captive audience now is it?

Nothing much else really went down with the rest of the cast this week, unless you count Mike acting like a whiny b*tch (per usual) and trying to be the center of every episode's attention. Can someone push his sunglasses up his nose please? Drives. Me. Crazy. Well, that and the fact that he wears them at night indoors, but that's probably only so he obscures his view of the dirty skanks in his bed. If I was that stalker twin, I'd seriously consider moving to another country, like Guam. And changing my name.

That pretty much does it for the Garden State all-stars this week. Stay tuned for tales of Snooki in Vinnie's bed next week, otherwise known as the fastest rebound on planet earth. Until then, keep it classy Shore-lovers, or at least pretend. 

Review

Editor Rating: 3.5 / 5.0
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Jersey Shore Quotes

Pauly D: Yo, if she still has coloring books ... she's too young for you, man.
Vinny: If she's got a basket on her bicycle ... she's too young for you man.
Pauly D: If she still has the parental controls on her TV ... she's too young for you bro.
Vinny: If she only owns Snow White on DVD ... she's too young for you man.
Pauly D: If his Keds still light up ... he's too young for you bro.
Ronnie: [laughs]
Pauly D: If she still plays laser tag ... she's too young for you bro.
JWoww: That's me.

I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet, but do not f*ck with me.

Sammi