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Gossip Girl Review: From Cash to Trash

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Gossip Girl kicked off the home stretch of its fifth season tonight with an episode that picked up about a month after we left the gang in February and set a lot of different things in motion for the spring run.

Perhaps most significantly, Dair happened. Sexually. It took awhile, and a lot of booze, but it's on.

This actually wasn't a hugely Dair-centric episode, but the new lovebirds did have their drunken moments, and whichever side you're on in the Great Ship War 2012, these events likely didn't change your opinion.

Dan and Blair detractors will point to the fact that they used alcohol as a crutch to work through their initial intimacy jitters, and argue that they lack the natural chemistry that will sustain this long-term.

Supporters will note, just as accurately, that every relationship has growing pains, but they worked through those jitters through honest communication (vodka and whiskey-induced, but nevertheless).

Louis' Ex-Wife

Regardless of how believable you find Blair and Dan having elevator sex, these two are a hoot. Their drunken chats with each other, and Dorota and Nate, respectively, were some of the night's lightest, best moments.

With Chuck nowhere to be found in their storyline, and barely a mention of the stupid dowry, B & D were free to explore their feelings out in the open, mostly, for the first time, and it was a lot of fun.

Will it last? Who the heck knows. But the next chapter should be entertaining to say the least.

While they offered some sexy and comedic highlights, Dair was mostly in B-plot land tonight. The other intertwining storylines were more significant in advancing the season's overall narrative(s). Let's examine:

Ivy, the titular "Con Heir," found herself blackballed, which is hilarious in that she has (or had) all the money. That's Lily for you. It's not just money, it's who you know, and Ivy's the ultimate outsider.

It speaks to the kind of show Gossip Girl has become, but it was actually quasi-believable that William attempted to play both sides, securing blackmail money and jeopardizing Ivy's status as beneficiary.

That was quite a scheme. Chuck would be proud.

For now, no one but Carol knows he's Lola's dad, but that's destined to change, and soon. He almost told her tonight it felt like. You could tell he genuinely felt bad. For a bona fide sleaze, he's just so nice!

In any case, what we witnessed in "Con Heir" was only the opening salvo in this war. Ivy's assets are frozen and she's stuck with a $31,000 catering bill, but if this girl's proven anything, it's that she's got gumption.

Whether or not she manipulated CeCe or did anything illegal to secure her place in the will is an open question, but having come this far and tasted the Upper East Side life, she's not about to roll over now.

Rufus and Lily are clearly in it to the end. Think she's going to settle into that loft? Think again. Lola isn't going anywhere, either. After coming around to the idea that this is her family, she's an outsider no more.

It's more than a bit convoluted, but holding my attention for now at least.

Serena in Black

Serena is Gossip Girl 3.0. Blame it on the situation - Ivy tormenting her family, S feeling ostracized - but she is going to a dark, dark place. As soon as she opened that laptop, you could see it in her eyes.

It's been too long since Serena was the center of attention ... for viewers and for Serena herself. You know she's been itching for a reason to get her hands dirty, and with everything going on, well ...

The dam is about to burst, and I love it. On the outs at the Spectator, and having been slapped down by her own fake cousin, what can't she undermine if given the chance? Say hello to the puppet master!

Whether she can hang in this presumed new role is debatable, though ... her first foray was pretty weak. Why not just draft the blast and make it live as soon as William had the check in hand?!

Crazily, that wasn't even the biggest plot hole in the Gossip Girl/Serena storyline. When S opened the computer, a month later, from G singular, she received the one, and only, password to the infamous blog.

That's right, Gossip Girl doesn't even have Gossip Girl's password and can't even get into her own site! Are you kidding me with this? I guess that's the price you pay when you let Georgina Sparks fill in.

Chuck totally didn't get a blood transfusion from Jack, and his alleged mom, Elizabeth Fisher, probably didn't do the honors either. Is anyone not thinking Diana Payne is the mystery donor/Chuck family member?

With a little help from the Spectator's crack research staff, and a final push from a non-crippled youth actor, Chuck ascertained that there's no way Jack could've donated his heavily, frequently compromised blood.

As cover stories go, that wasn't too well thought out. The elder Bass didn't even try to fight the lie by the end. If nothing else, it was an excuse to visit his nephew, take a lot of drugs and entertain us.

His appearance was merely a conduit to a deepening mystery for Chuck, but it was great to see Desmond Harrington back this week. When he's not flagrantly at war with Chuck, their rapport is priceless.

Implying that he contracted the disease from Pamela Anderson, then proclaiming himself the Magic Johnson of Hepatitis C in the same sentence? That's a first ballot Hall of Fame line by Uncle Jackass.

Nate nearly secured a big investor, lost control of his big Ivy exclusive, then lost the investor, then fired Serena over it, then found himself facing the prospect of firing his staff or crawling back to Diana.

Hey, at least he presumably got it on with Lola after he got off the phone.

We won't know until May 14 whether the payoffs will be worth it, but this was a pretty good start to the spring. Before we turn it over to your comments, here's next week's promo for "It Girl, Interrupted":

What did you think of tonight's Gossip Girl? Will Ivy eventually taken down by the gang? Will Lola learn the truth? What will Serena do as the new G.G.? Who saved Chuck? Will Dair last? Tell us below!

Review

Editor Rating: 4.0 / 5.0
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User Rating:

Rating: 4.3 / 5.0 (998 Votes)

Steve Marsi is the Managing Editor of TV Fanatic. Follow him on Google+ or email him here.

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oh yeah and best line of the night: Uncle Jack's "I'm the Magic Johnson of Hep C"...greatness!

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No chemistry between Blair and Dan!? Come on!! this has been building for two seasons now, the way he looked at her, their flirty banter...they are totally cute and fully complete each other. remember, opposites attract, but they also have a lot in common, and sometimes in life you need that person that brings out a different and better side of yourself. Also, remember they were friends first and arch enemies before that, and moving into the sex part of a new relationship can definitely be awkward...a little alcohol always helps in these situations! Lastly, I might be banned for mentioning this, but a couple I've always wanted to see hook up is...Serena and Chuck!! Think about it, they would be a very interesting/hot/powerful pair. Bring on the Cherena!!!

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@LelaRose
Fully're right. All of us who write, we forgot that our heroes are in college. I remember that only in one episode this season Nate in one sentence mention college. It is simply unbelievable how many writers are superficial. Producers have been this entire season subordinated to 100th episode, that would turn the story upside down in the series. An excellent plan to kill series and drive out the viewers.

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Nate and Serena are the reason you should never hire your high school friends. But Nate running a newspaper in the first place is just silly. College and internships, that's the next step for this UES kids. Why the Hell are they all over Manhattan? Why can Chuck suddenly run a multi billion enterprise when he's simply a spoiled playboy? He may have picked some things up from his daddy but there's no way he'd know EVERYTHING off the bat. Why is Blair married? Why is Serena bouncing from high profile job to high profile job, fucking up every single one of them along the way? Don't these people talk to each other? Whose on her resume that didn't fire her? AREN'T THEY IN COLLEGE? This is just ridiculous. I'm willing to suspend my belief for a couple of things because it is a tv show but come on! None of this remotely comprehensible!

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Oh GG writers, what have you done? Blair and Dan can only have sex when they're drunk? That's terrible. What a message to send out to young people. Drunk sex is mostly regrettable. I get that it makes you lose your inhibitions but also, you get sloppy. Especially the guys. Also, it encourages teens to go after more drunken sex, that was something they never needed encouragement. I understand that some couples have a rough time initially with sex and they work to resolve it, fine. But to solve that solely with alcohol? Meh. They can redeem this if they have Dan and Blair actually enjoy themselves while remembering it in the morning. NOT DIANA. NOT ELIZABETH. OH GOD MAKE IT STOP. The Ivy storyline is ridiculous. End of subject. Serena as GG? I may be intrigued... Lets have S dig into the dark side they always talk about but NEVER show. Not really anyways.

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@Will
I agree with you. But Ivy is in the series because CC from the grave trying to manage the lives of their daughters and grandchildren. To clarify, leaving all her possessions to Ivy, CC is trying to teach her troubled daughter's mind. By Lily loses the apartment - the result of Lily and Rufus are separate. Carol does not inherit money from her mother - a punishment because she refused to listen to it. And Serena has to marry a rich man, as it was CC advised her in a season 1 - this prevents that Serena and Dan are together. The same goes for Charlotte.

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It really irks me how the writers insist on dragging out this ridiculous Ivy plot. Her time on the show should've expired a long time ago. Why can't they get rid of her? I'm so over this nonsense!

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@ lyla
Let me try to explain to you. William was executor of the will of CC. He has all the power to control the property subject to the will. When a contest a will or a court executor has to freeze the assets in dispute until the dispute is resolved in court or settlement. I think that in this case the role of William to force both parties to a dispute to settle. As for the GG site partially agree with you. Because I think that the site owner is Lily, and that the person whose voice we hear in the series is the site administrator. So Lily does not control the content of the site, it only benefits in it (financially). And writers, they have long lost their compass!

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I wish someone could explain to me how and where would a court take the word of a witness who can't really prove what he/she heard/saw, and also, how can Ivy get ALL her assets frozen instantly in the middle of the night? I didn't know William VDW had magical powers to freeze other people's accounts. I also didn't know it was that easy to make someone lose an inheritage that is completely legal and protect under a will.
And since when is Gossip Girl a real person? Wasn't the blog just an automatic service of forwarding people's messages? But now, since the writers have memory problems, not only is she a real person, but she also communicates with the objects of her posts... incredible...
I.just.cannot...

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so many second lead actors given more importance than the lead characters of the UES. boring... even the dan-blair loveteam sucks ! i can not understand why the novelty of watching the UES'rs in their millieu was lost in the story.
where is serena? lily? blair? nate? chuck? dan? you lost these UES'ers in the last few episodes.the latest story lines try to make them into something. they're not.