Gossip Girl Review: From Cash to Trash

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Gossip Girl kicked off the home stretch of its fifth season tonight with an episode that picked up about a month after we left the gang in February and set a lot of different things in motion for the spring run.

Perhaps most significantly, Dair happened. Sexually. It took awhile, and a lot of booze, but it's on.

This actually wasn't a hugely Dair-centric episode, but the new lovebirds did have their drunken moments, and whichever side you're on in the Great Ship War 2012, these events likely didn't change your opinion.

Dan and Blair detractors will point to the fact that they used alcohol as a crutch to work through their initial intimacy jitters, and argue that they lack the natural chemistry that will sustain this long-term.

Supporters will note, just as accurately, that every relationship has growing pains, but they worked through those jitters through honest communication (vodka and whiskey-induced, but nevertheless).

Louis' Ex-Wife

Regardless of how believable you find Blair and Dan having elevator sex, these two are a hoot. Their drunken chats with each other, and Dorota and Nate, respectively, were some of the night's lightest, best moments.

With Chuck nowhere to be found in their storyline, and barely a mention of the stupid dowry, B & D were free to explore their feelings out in the open, mostly, for the first time, and it was a lot of fun.

Will it last? Who the heck knows. But the next chapter should be entertaining to say the least.

While they offered some sexy and comedic highlights, Dair was mostly in B-plot land tonight. The other intertwining storylines were more significant in advancing the season's overall narrative(s). Let's examine:

Ivy, the titular "Con Heir," found herself blackballed, which is hilarious in that she has (or had) all the money. That's Lily for you. It's not just money, it's who you know, and Ivy's the ultimate outsider.

It speaks to the kind of show Gossip Girl has become, but it was actually quasi-believable that William attempted to play both sides, securing blackmail money and jeopardizing Ivy's status as beneficiary.

That was quite a scheme. Chuck would be proud.

For now, no one but Carol knows he's Lola's dad, but that's destined to change, and soon. He almost told her tonight it felt like. You could tell he genuinely felt bad. For a bona fide sleaze, he's just so nice!

In any case, what we witnessed in "Con Heir" was only the opening salvo in this war. Ivy's assets are frozen and she's stuck with a $31,000 catering bill, but if this girl's proven anything, it's that she's got gumption.

Whether or not she manipulated CeCe or did anything illegal to secure her place in the will is an open question, but having come this far and tasted the Upper East Side life, she's not about to roll over now.

Rufus and Lily are clearly in it to the end. Think she's going to settle into that loft? Think again. Lola isn't going anywhere, either. After coming around to the idea that this is her family, she's an outsider no more.

It's more than a bit convoluted, but holding my attention for now at least.

Serena in Black

Serena is Gossip Girl 3.0. Blame it on the situation - Ivy tormenting her family, S feeling ostracized - but she is going to a dark, dark place. As soon as she opened that laptop, you could see it in her eyes.

It's been too long since Serena was the center of attention ... for viewers and for Serena herself. You know she's been itching for a reason to get her hands dirty, and with everything going on, well ...

The dam is about to burst, and I love it. On the outs at the Spectator, and having been slapped down by her own fake cousin, what can't she undermine if given the chance? Say hello to the puppet master!

Whether she can hang in this presumed new role is debatable, though ... her first foray was pretty weak. Why not just draft the blast and make it live as soon as William had the check in hand?!

Crazily, that wasn't even the biggest plot hole in the Gossip Girl/Serena storyline. When S opened the computer, a month later, from G singular, she received the one, and only, password to the infamous blog.

That's right, Gossip Girl doesn't even have Gossip Girl's password and can't even get into her own site! Are you kidding me with this? I guess that's the price you pay when you let Georgina Sparks fill in.

Chuck totally didn't get a blood transfusion from Jack, and his alleged mom, Elizabeth Fisher, probably didn't do the honors either. Is anyone not thinking Diana Payne is the mystery donor/Chuck family member?

With a little help from the Spectator's crack research staff, and a final push from a non-crippled youth actor, Chuck ascertained that there's no way Jack could've donated his heavily, frequently compromised blood.

As cover stories go, that wasn't too well thought out. The elder Bass didn't even try to fight the lie by the end. If nothing else, it was an excuse to visit his nephew, take a lot of drugs and entertain us.

His appearance was merely a conduit to a deepening mystery for Chuck, but it was great to see Desmond Harrington back this week. When he's not flagrantly at war with Chuck, their rapport is priceless.

Implying that he contracted the disease from Pamela Anderson, then proclaiming himself the Magic Johnson of Hepatitis C in the same sentence? That's a first ballot Hall of Fame line by Uncle Jackass.

Nate nearly secured a big investor, lost control of his big Ivy exclusive, then lost the investor, then fired Serena over it, then found himself facing the prospect of firing his staff or crawling back to Diana.

Hey, at least he presumably got it on with Lola after he got off the phone.

We won't know until May 14 whether the payoffs will be worth it, but this was a pretty good start to the spring. Before we turn it over to your comments, here's next week's promo for "It Girl, Interrupted":

What did you think of tonight's Gossip Girl? Will Ivy eventually taken down by the gang? Will Lola learn the truth? What will Serena do as the new G.G.? Who saved Chuck? Will Dair last? Tell us below!

Review

Editor Rating: 4.0 / 5.0
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User Rating:

Rating: 4.3 / 5.0 (984 Votes)

Steve Marsi is the Managing Editor of TV Fanatic. Follow him on Google+ or email him here.

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As for the wedding video with Blair and Louis, what do you think how come on the Dan. Who had access to the camera - Georgina, Chuck and Serena. In which the camera was at the end - Serena. Serena sent a recording to Dan, because she knew how much he is love with Blair. Serena knew that Dan will send a snapshot to GG. Just did not know that stupid Blair will marry Louis. Because video is supposed to prevent the wedding. Blair would be back at Chuck, Serena and Dan to get back! Remember Serena and Dan when they went together to the altar. Serena told Dan: I did something very bad! Dan was just asked: What did you do? Probably the Dan know that she sent a video to him.

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@ Betty Draper
That marriage is just loveless technically, I have no problem with that and I guess neither would most Chair fans if it were Blair and Chuck sneaking around. As a guy I do love Blair, but after 4x19 she got lost. But the Blair I adore did come back with that "Dairport" episode and onwards, she is now smiling and laughing again and I love seeing that. IMO getting traded is worse than cheating, but that's me.

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@Jonas
First - I am a big fan of Serena and Dan! Secondly - I suppose you mean the termination of Dan and Serena in a season 1. You are not well remembered. I recently watched season 1 again, the culprit for the cancellation was Dan, because he believed more girl he met in the park - Georgina-but a Serena. Third - Blair and Chuck have parted because of the hotel, she has forgiven him. Fourth - Chuck slept with Jenny because he was fired by Blair. She left him to wait a whole day on top of the Empire State Buildig. While she was in Brooklyn and punished Jenny (Dan's sister!). Fifth - Blair forgave Chuck for Tuscany. Again, look at season 1 and 2!

Ava-mila

@Jonas
S1 Blair forgave Nate for sleeping with Serena, so yeah she would.
Don't get me wrong, Chuck was a fucking bastard in s3, I wished I never shipped them when I saw the series finale. But he really redeemed himself this season, he's trying and growing.
Blair on the other hand is just getting worse. Yeah, she isn't scheming anymore but she cheated on her fiance, she ruined Chuck's relationship with Eva, she doesn't mind playing with people's feelings (SERENA, LOUIS, CHUCK) and she changes every other day her love interest. I don't know how you can ship a married women with your precious Dan (who btw isn't a saint either, the gg video on the wedding episode, anyone??)

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The only couples who ever had chemestry on the show were Dan and Serena, Chuck and Blair even Lily and Rufus, but no way Dan and Blair have chemestry. Honestly I really don't see it, and I'm not a Chair shipper ;)

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@ Zoran
haha, yeah right! Serena and Dan was over when she lied to him about cheating instead of telling him the truth.
Blair and Chuck was over when he traded her and definitely over when he slept with Jenny and a day later was about to propose to Blair. The funny thing is most of you Chair fans miss season 1 Blair, but I know that season 1 Blair would have never forgive Chuck for that trade thing he did in season 3. But I guess she could because apparently she forgave that spineless wimp for comparing her to his father's horse and that he stood her up on their trip to Tuscany. Makes you think, doesn't it?

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@Jonas
Thanks for admitting that I was right!

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I do not know why you watch the series, each of us is looking at the different reasons, not all the same. Evolution and change yes if that was season 3, not the end of season 5. It will probably take another season, which will be the final. It is not now time for a change in the series. You do not need to re-look at what's already happened. It is time to end the series as the audience wants: Serena and Dan, and Chuck and Blair together!

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Meant for Zoran ofc!

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I think you're funny in a pathetic relentless sort of way, I give you that!

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