Previously on Glee: Everyone slept with each other.
Weird throwback STD commercial leads to...nothing. That was random. I don’t understand.
Blaine likes food and there is a lot of food in New York. I will spend the rest of this episode depressed I a) don’t live in NYC and b) am not eating a cronut right now. Glee Season 5 Episode 16 is going to make me hungry.
Artie likes New York because the girls at art school think sleeping with the kid in the wheelchair is cool instead of dorky. He is making a terrible version of the terrible art film in American Beauty. Is Artie really too young to get the reference?
He is definitely too young to get the Addicted To Love video references with the red lips and robot girls. As much as I like the song I’m not sure Artie can pull it off entirely by himself.
Kurt is taking a stage combat class and Blaine is eating cheese puffs. I wonder if this will lead to tension in their relationship!
Ohhh and now we find out what that STD thing was about. Sam wants to get tested before possibly taking Mercedes's v-card. They have this conversation at Serendipity and now I want a frozen hot chocolate AND a cronut. Blaine is still my favorite person on the show.
Artie has chlamydia! That’s unfortunate. I just realized I know nothing about chlamydia. Also, he got it because he doesn’t wear condoms. Glee takes this opportunity to shout at all of us about safe sex and then preach at us about safe sex then shout some more. But seriously, dude, wear a condom. Who are these girls who will sleep with him unprotected?!?!
He chooses to tell his girlfriends about the chlamydia in a public hallway at school. That seems like a poor choice. Girl #2 takes it way better than Girl #1. Maybe she knows more about chlamydia than I do.
Who knew reviewing a song about show choir would involve typing the word chlamydia so many times?
Sam is really proud he doesn’t have any STDs and tells Mercedes about it in church. She says she’s going to let God decide if she’s ready to go all the way. Maybe her church is way cooler than the one I went to as a kid, but I feel like that’s a pretty obvious answer? Or maybe her version of I Want To Know What Love Is is so awesome that God’s like “Girl, you go ahead.”
Unrelated thought: Where is Rachel? Rehearsal, I guess?
Kurt is trying to encourage Blaine to make healthier choices and Blaine isn’t taking it very well. Then Kurt finds porn (I think it’s porn? Or maybe just a college recruiting site??) on Blaine’s computer and does not take THAT well. They really are M. F. E. O.
There’s Rachel! Considering I’ve been calling her “Awful Rachel” practically the whole season, is it weird I missed her? She tells Mercedes her first time was special because it was with someone special. I feel like she’s sort of over this conversation, since none of them are 16 anymore.
Apparently Stage Combat is the ONLY class Kurt or Blaine are taking this semester. But the shows makes excellent use of the class and choreography to sing Love Is A Battlefield. It’s really good. Then two people who might be Blaine and Kurt or might be stunt doubles in fencing gear have a duel.
Sam and Mercedes go to the Starlight Diner for dinner but Mercedes assures him that does NOT mean she’s putting out. Sam is totally cool with that. Totally. Don’t worry, he’s cool. Cool, guys. I feel like no matter how this ends I’m going to be annoyed.
Artie tells his date he can’t sleep with her for a week to ten days. She’s ACTUALLY cool with that and not nearly as creeped out as I would be. Art school does not seem to be full of smart women.
Both couples sing Let’s Wait Awhile and I am officially over all the sexy-times stuff in this episode. Can’t we talk about something else? Like how all these people make enough money to pay for their enormous apartments? Or eat at restaurants so much?
Oh good, it’s time for MORE talking about whether or not Mercedes and Sam are going to do it. Mercedes tells Sam she’s not going to sleep with him (or anyone) until she’s married and he doesn’t take it well. I’M SO SHOCKED (imagine that in “not at all shocked” font). Now I am sure this cannot end well.
Blaine and Kurt talk about why Blaine is getting fat. It turns out he feels like because they’re two dudes they can’t ever not compete in their relationship. That's an interesting thought.
Artie talks to his date about why he was such a weirdo. She’s more upset that he slept with girls who were idiots than that he has chlamydia. Look, ONE smart girl at art school! She calls him a creeper and dumps him which he totally deserved. She’s my favorite person in this episode.
Sam shocks me by apologizing to Mercedes and saying he would like to date her even without any naked wrestling times. He's officially smarter than anyone at art school too! Way to go, Sam!
Mercedes and Rachel are girlfriends now, which is nice, and a much better combination than Rachel fighting with Santana. Mercedes admits that maaaaaybe she won’t make Sam wait until they’re married but the fact that he seems willing to makes her like him more. Then Rachel talks about Finn a little and I have to stop myself from shoving my fingers in my ears and saying “lalalalala” because I can’t handle the feelings about them.
Blaine is on a crash diet but don’t worry, it’s part of being healthy? Or something. Whatever it is has fixed his relationship with Kurt. Artie’s choice to eat his feelings instead of facing them seems like a much better option. I am still really hungry.
Next week: Awful Rachel is awful because it’s opening night! But Sue Sylvester is back so it’s definitely good to be a good episode.
Which was the best song on tonight's Glee?