UnREAL Season 3 Episode 2 Review: Shield
Rebecca Eisen
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If you were at all worried that UnREAL Season 3 started off SMOKIN' HOT, but might quickly cool down, it's safe to say things have only gotten hotter!
On UnREAL Season 3 Episode 2 that show within a show is more complex than ever. With the Suitress finding her groove on Everlasting, it’s all about how Serena’s going to play the game to land her husband.
Behind the scenes, we get a more in-depth dive into a few of the relationships, most notably Rachel and Quinn’s.
On set, they are mentor and mentee, boss and second in command. Yet beyond their professional connection lies a great deal of love and respect between the women in charge. They really do need and love each other. No doubt, Rachel, and Quinn share a (rather dysfunctional) mother/daughter relationship.
That is why what happens next is so incredibly f**ked up; because you do not screw your daughter's not-so-secret crush!
Meanwhile, the temptation surrounding Rachel makes her commitment to celibacy seem like a Superpower.
Given the lack of running water in her truck, following her steamy chat with a DRIPPING WET (who among us wasn’t?) August, I wouldn’t have blamed her for jumping into the pool in lieu of a cold shower. She is certainly MY hero.
Related: UnREAL Season 3 Episode 1 Review: Oath
As far as exploring how the hell we got to the place where Quinn screwed the apple of Rachel's eye, completely naked on top of her desk, I say we give Quinn the benefit of the doubt. Let’s assume she was too busy directing the Everlasting season premiere to notice Rachel’s connection with August on Day 1.
Now, Quinn not only recognizes the attraction, but she also makes a scene of it in front of cast and crew.
Are you guys having sex? Because your nipples are showing, Rachel.
Quinn
There are many possibilities as to what exactly drives Quinn to commit her selfish, sexual crime.
Theory 1: The almighty green monster -- jealousy. Quinn calling August and Rachel out on their crazy attraction proves she sees it and maybe wants what Rachel has.
Theory 2: The reveal that Chet and Crystal have a more honest relationship in just a few months than the one Chet shared with Quinn for more than a decade is heartbreaking. Watching 24-year old Crystal bond with Quinn's underling, Madison, over the gifts from their sugar daddies, might have pushed Quinn over the edge.
Theory 3: Perhaps it was Rachel's fight with Quinn that did the trick.
Rachel: You're pumping toxic sludge into the minds of young women. You're telling them that that they have to dummmy themselves down to land some dude.
Quinn: Maybe it's the truth. I mean look at us.
Rachel: So what, you’re just giving up?
Quinn: No. I don’t want what she wants, Rachel.
Rachel: Bullshit. You want exactly what she wants. You’re just too afraid to admit it, because you’re afraid you’re never going to get it.
Theory 4: Quinn does see and hear the connection developing between Rachel and August. BUT she also watches her celibate sidekick run from him. Thus, if Rachel's hell-bent on resisting temptation, well then, Momma’s gotta eat!
As for Everlasting’s premiere, when it fails to dazzle the network, Quinn insists on more heat, while Serena makes it clear she needs more control. Rachel, still in essential honesty mode, just wants the Suitress to be herself.
Serena: I don’t want to cut the wrong guy, so I need to individuate the contenders.
Quinn: Yeah you wouldn’t want to have the wrong guy slip through your crack.
Voila! We are off and running with parallel plotlines. Shooting the second episode of Everlasting makes the mystical matter of feminism grow into a whole different animal. It not only permeates the set, but it also floats out into the hallways, seeps into the control room, and ends up in the executive office. It is a beast that cannot be contained.
No longer just a conversation between Quinn and Rachel about whether Serena is the avatar for either (or both) of them, the question of whether a woman can be smart, successful and still land a husband is not only posed again but attempts to be answered -- by Chet. Egads!
If only somebody had slipped Serena the answer key: 'A woman can certainly be an alpha female, *but NOT a TOTAL BITCH* and still land a husband.' Sadly, this one slipped right past the (Rachel Goldberg) goalie.
Yikes! It's tough to watch Serena being herself at the poker table. ... Condescending, cutthroat, not exactly a woman who makes men swoon.
Nobody wants that.
Madison: Serena's what my friends and I call an "Old Sad." Somebody who made the worst mistake ever and chose her job over a boyfriend.
Rachel: And now she's a mogul. Wah.
Madison: But who says being a baller makes girls happy? If all you do is put all of your life and energy into your job and your career and that’s all you focus on then you’re just going to end up like...
Quinn: Say it.
(Madison doesn’t dare.)
What if we don't quickly dismiss Madison’s POV on the choice women make to either be a "Baller" or land a husband.
Serena’s love life may still be capable of resuscitation (remains to be seen), but Quinn has already decided to be a BOSS rather than a wife. And like objects in the mirror that are closer than they appear, Rachel’s not far behind.
When Serena overhears Chet talking to Rachel and Quinn, she sees the chance to shield herself from the truth -- that it was she who'd been wrong -- and is more than happy to hear Chet's theory, "The woman you are at work is not the girl a man wants to date."
All you have to do to keep a guy forever is bake him cookies and give him blowjobs.
Chet
The male perspective is such a welcome change from Rachel's bitter best friend vibe, that Serena not only takes Chet's advice but runs with it.
She runs all the way back(wards) to flirt foolishly in that slutty sequined mermaid dress.
As the lady bosses lose control of Serena to Chet, the tides turn from Rachel's personal war to protect her feminist into an all-out battle of the sexes.
You need me here. I am a manthropologist.
Chet
Though early on, "Rachel 3.0" stands fairly strong in her commitment not to manipulate (albeit a little wobbling), Quinn knows exactly how to wake her sleeping dragon. "Hey, Rachel how do you like watching your feminist turn into this?"
Jeremy cock-blocking her attempt to produce the show and Serena slipping out of her control triggers a further step backward.
Serena: I think this is what guys want.
Rachel: Guys want ugly ass 90-inch televisions and threesomes with you and your best friend. It doesn’t mean you have to give it to them.
When Alexi unknowingly presents her with a shiny new opportunity to make sh*t happen, it’s the perfect storm for the dragon to breathe her magic fire all over the set.
Alexi: This woman is looking for a poodle not a man.
Rachel: Then be a man. Tell her your truth. Show her your dark side. You’re Russian, start the revolution! Blow the circus up.
Alexi: How? What do I do?
Rachel: Exactly what I tell you.
And the Rachel Goldberg we know and love is back, baby!
When the fight ‘breaks out’ between Race Car Driver Billy and the Russian Revolutionist, we see how enamored Rachel is by the mayhem she managed to manipulate. I think we can all agree with Jay when he shouts, "Watch the faces!"
*This is one instance in which UnREAL is not a true reflection of what goes down on either The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.
Related: Watch Real Lives, Real Stories, & Real Celebrities on Reelz Channel via Amazon Channels!
Nearly all reality shows, certainly every set I've been on, have a strictly enforced NO VIOLENCE policy for both cast and crew.
Given all of the "Type A" personalities cast on unscripted television shows, imagine how many brawls would break out, resulting in potentially serious injuries, and countless wanna be-reality stars suing every network in town.
Gary: This show cannot take another lawsuit.
Quinn: If you don't want to know how the sausage is made, don't come into the factory!
Despite Jasper's promo-perfect rescue, Serena isn't happy with men fighting over her like Neanderthals. It's a clear win for Quinn, however, who showed Gary she's still got it and nailed the scene. As usual, Chet believes he made it all happen.
Serena reiterates exactly what she learned from Madison IN FRONT OF CHET, “Great idea.You were so right. That was amazing." Suffice it to say, Chet's very pleased with himself.
God men are stupid.
Serena
Once the set wraps, Quinn sits all alone atop her castle, watching her puppets on screen. Done dancing for her, they settle in for the night.
The chemistry between Rachel and August is so electric, Quinn has to feel their heat from deep down in the control room. Yet when Rachel leaves August for celibacy sake, Quinn's hardly to blame for August taking off his shirt, revealing WHAT'S FOR DINNER.
Quinn: August.
August: Am I in trouble?
Quinn: Yes.
If you watch UnREAL online, by now you must know, the trouble's only just beginning.
Rebecca Eisen was a staff writer for TV Fanatic. She retired in September 2018.
