I really shouldn't be giving [Jake] advice that will help him reproduce.

Charlie

No, I've gotta help Leslie find the truth. Not because I'm pissed at Andy, which I'm not. Because I care so deeply about possums. 'Cause they're so adorable.

April

The good news is that we are going to the ground. The bad news is that not all of us are.

Jaha

Alex: Sex is confusing for young people and she doesn't need to learn about it from two fuzz staches who barely know anything themselves!
Luke: Excuse me, you might want to check my browser history. I've done some research.

Fallon: Sam.
Sam: What?
Fallon: Is that your nose print on the window?

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who look before they leap and those who plunge in, arms wide open, as if they don't have a care in the world.

Mae

Holliday: If Sean had a gun -
Jane: He had a gun.

F.I.S.T. Those Fugitive Investigative Strike Team guys know how to pick a sexy acronym.

Stan

Mark: I think I might be able to get a great college essay out of this. I’m a gay contrabassoonist from the wrong side of the tracks.
Darlene: Buckle in.
Mark: Why?
Darlene: Because you are on a rocket sled to Harvard.

If you so much as lay a finger on Dax Ramsey, I'll have you thrown out and sued.

Logan

Scylla: Don't not go because of me.
Raelle: I like doing everything because of you.

I may be crazy from the waist up, but from the waist down, I'm perfectly normal.

Daniel Pierce