Dennis: It's because of those bison fingers.
Dee: I do not have bison fingers!
Frank: Yeah you do. Your mother had to have a c-section because of those hands.

I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody's having sex, I just don't care.

Dennis: Our mortgage is due in two weeks.
Mac: No, we paid that, like, a week ago.
Dennis: No. A week ago was three weeks late.

Dennis: So do you come to these kind of things often, or?
Pro-Choice Woman: Are you hitting on me at an abortion rally?

Dennis: I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay; I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

Dee: Are you actually gonn throw away all you convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.

Dee: I went out with tons of guys in high school.
Dennis: You wore that scoliosis back brace until you were twenty years old. Everyone was afraid of you.
Dee: No, they weren't.
Dennis: You looked like a monster!

Dee: I don't know how you guys live with yourselves.
Charlie: One day at a time.
Mac: One day at a time.
Dennis: One day at a time.

Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
Charlie: I guess.
Mac: Well, I don't know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn't that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we'd get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Charlie: That is true.
Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Dee: Hello, Stephen.
Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick's car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.
Mac: You abused alcohol, and that's OK, that's OK, but it's very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
Dee: No, I don't like where this is headed.

Charlie: Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, OK? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!
Dennis: That's a horrible thing to do!
Charlie: Well, I'm a bad guy then!
Dennis: You are a bad guy! You lied to us!
Charlie: All right look at this, sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?
Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.
Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now?
Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs!
Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!
Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!

Dennis: I don't get it, Dee: There are tons of women in this city; where do they go?
Dee: They're at velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis: Why?
Dee: Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley...might as well call it "Rape Bar."

Dee: Who slams a door?
Frank: Babies.
Dennis: That guy has some real growing up to do. Have some repect for Christ's sake... I am legend.

It's Always Sunny Quotes

Frank: I opened up to a therapist just once. I was a kid. I got into a fight. The doctor asked me question after question, got me so scrambled up. Next thing I know, I was shanghai'd upstate to a nitwit school. You know what a nitwit school is?
Therapist: I assume you mean a school for the mentally disabled.
Frank (spits pistachio shell): Yeah, not just for nuts in the head, but bodies, too. Back then science was real crude, they stuck us all together. My roommate was a frog-kid. You ever see a frog-kid?

No I don't eat dragon, cause, uh, it's not a meal for peasants, it's a meal for kings, and I'm sort of a common man. But they don't eat us, it's a common misconception. They actually eat gold and treasure -- that's why they're always sitting on a pile of it.

Charlie